My world feels off today. Actually,  my world feels off lately. I think it’s just too much change all clumped up together. J got locked up. I started my new job. Hershey’s gone. My routine is non-existent. I am a big ole Capricorn and I live for the constants in life.

One of the things that I love most about J is that he pushes me to step outside of my routine and enjoy myself once in a while. He was one of the first people to ever give me permission to let go. It’s hard when you grow up the honor student… the eldest child… the predictable one… hard to remember that it’s not just okay to live for today sometimes– it’s actually kind of good for me. Continue reading Nothing As It Should Be →

I lost my girl about 7 o’clock last night… buried her on a sunny hillside behind J’s brother’s house. I’m so relieved to know that she is at peace but this damn house sure seems empty now.

Real post coming later tonight…

I need to start writing again. I don’t know why I fall in and out of the habit when there are always so many thoughts and words rolling around in my head… This last lapse has been from lack of an internet connection in my home sweet home but I’m thinking it’s time I started figuring out a way to write anyway. It’s not like it’s hard, right? Compose on the laptop whenever I feel like it. Take it to work the next morning and post. Simple enough.

I’m writing this here for all the world to see not because it’s interesting and not because I think anyone is still reading my randomness but because I want it out there in the digital doman… recorded forever… so I’ll really do it.

Stay tuned.

-k

So, three years ago tomorrow I stopped blogging. Doing so wasn’t really a conscious decision. My life was, frankly, upside down (or maybe it was inside out) and I was at a loss for what to say/write anymore.

Hold up — Does that say three years? For real? My how things have changed…

Back then, I was living for work, mostly writing about how miserable I was. I was living not exactly with my parents, but extremely adjacent to them. In about 600 square feet. With two cats and a dog. I wasn’t dating. I had pretty much given up on the idea of having a someone. I had no idea where I was going professionally (that term is used very loosely in this context). And personally, I had given up. I hated how I felt and was disgusted with how I looked. I felt used, abused, neglected and overwhelmed. Continue reading Hello, old friend →

I’m really tired tonight… tired from far too many nights of just not sleeping, not resting… tired from putting on my happy face all day long… tired of thinking and wondering and trying to make sense of this life and the people in it.

This life is mostly about relationships. We all have jobs or hobbies or distractions to fill the time, but it’s really about the people we know and share our lives with. But then, when you think about it, how well do we ever really know someone else? All we see is what they let us see. All we understand is what they choose to elaborate on so that we can understand. When was the last time someone asked how you were and you thought about it before you answered? For me, my mom and my best friend are the only ones who cause me to think before I respond. For everyone else, it’s a well-rehearsed, “I’m good. How are you?” And even with those two people, people I love so much and who I know really care what my answer is, I don’t have the heart to say how I really feel most of the time.

I’m blessed with a few good friends and even more people that I don’t know incredibly well but who surprise me with their compassion at times. Some of you are old friends who have become new myspace friends. Some of you are casual acquaintances who I am only just getting to know. And I am thankful for all of you.

But life is hard and when I struggle, I tend to withdraw because I don’t have the energy to put on the happy face anymore. And right now, I’m struggling. I’m too proud or too scared to admit what I’m really feeling to all of you so I’ll just say I feel weak and ridiculous and girly. I feel like I don’t know where to go or what to do next. I feel like I can’t do one more favor for one more person because I’m just going to break at any moment and I need to save all my brain waves and all my energy for keeping myself together. I feel used and unappreciated and worn down.

I feel like karma is a lie or I would be happy by now.

And Monica wrote today about being happy vs. being content, something I’ve spoken with her about recently. And the truth is that I think being content is no more equivalent to being happy as it is equivalent to being unhappy. Content is middle ground. Content is existence. Content is, at best, survival. It’s not happiness. But does that elusive happiness even really exist? Or are we so conditioned by images in movies or books that we are hoping for a fantasy that is no more real than a porno flick?

I don’t have the answer. But I need it. If this is all there is, then I need to have that knowledge so that I can accept and move ahead. I need to be empowered to stop holding out hope for something that is never going to happen.

And if it’s not, well… I’ve paid my dues and I need to know that too.

Thanksgiving is just around the corner and much to my joy, my parents have decided we’ll be having Thanksgiving dinner at their place rather than all of us running around to all the obligatory family dinners. It sounds evil, I know, to say that I don’t want to go see these people on the holiday… but it’s just so exhausting trying to make all the stops and being obligated to eat everywhere we go. And to top it off, it prevents me from getting to spend quality time with my parents and my brother, which is what I really want to do.

So this year, Mom and I will are going to cook. I can’t wait! I love to cook but it’s not something I do very often now that I’m single. For one thing, cooking for one is just difficult. Most recipes serve four at minimum which leaves me either eating the same thing for practically a week or throwing food out. Second, my “kitchen” is small. And when I say small I mean ridiculously small… it beats not having a kitchen, but to prepare a meal there would be almost impossible.

We’re going to start early on Thanksgiving morning in my parents kitchen and we’ve already started on the menu. We’ll have all the traditional Turkey-day goodies from turkey and dressing to cranberry sauce to macaroni and cheese. Okay, I have to stop now. This is making me hungry.