Tag Archives: Relationships

Addiction, NaBloPoMo: Roots (June 2013)

Are You A (Wo)man of Your Word?

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shadows

If you’ve been following my recent posts, chances are you expect this post to be about J, or addicts in general, and all the promises they make but seldom (if ever) keep. Wrong. I’m trying to make a change in me today.  I’ve spent a lot of time lately reading the writings of others who have been down this road before me, particularly Ron over at An Addict In Our Son’s Bedroom. I am amazed at the strength this family has had to muster over the last few years. A Google search took me to their site and after reading one post, I followed the archives back all the way to the beginning. I’ve been reading for a few days now and am still over a year from the present… and I’ve fought the urge to skip ahead. There’s something very comforting about reading their story; there’s also something very sad about it. Continue reading Are You A (Wo)man of Your Word? →

Life or something like it

Own it

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When I resurrected this blog a few weeks ago, J was less than thrilled. “Why?” he asked. “Who reads it? Who will you be talking to?” You see, as insane as it may sound, we deleted our Facebook accounts a while back. We’ve seen far too many friends and acquaintances lose what appeared to be solid relationships in no small part because of social networking sites and “secret” email accounts. So we decided, for us, the best move was to kill the Facebook accounts. Naturally, when I told him about the blog, he wondered what was up. Continue reading Own it →

Life or something like it

Yesterday Was Monday, Right?

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I’m feeling overwhelmed the last few days… too many people tugging at me. Yesterday was an exercise in self-control from start to finish and I’m not convinced I made it through without failing a couple of times. I tossed it up to the fact that I was tired (my weekend was jam-packed and went by entirely too fast) and it was Monday. I have at least four people trying to tell me what to do on any given work day and, at this point, it’s just too much. None of them have any respect for my time or my schedule and most of them are completely incompetent and lack the mental capacity to direct themselves in their daily activities… much less direct me. Continue reading Yesterday Was Monday, Right? →

Relationships

Time on my hands

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This weekend was a perfect example of why I try to keep myself immersed in work. Time on my hands means far too much time to think; too much time to think makes me:

  • angry
  • bitter
  • lonely
  • sad

I don’t want to be nice to people. I don’t want to help anyone out. I just want someone to take care of me.

Relationships

Humbug

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I keep writing paragraph after paragraph and then deleting it.

The fact is that I have about a hundred thoughts in my head this week and they’re all connected — but I can’t manage to put them together in a way that would make sense to anyone other than me.

This week has been hard and lonely. I really hate the holidays which just makes me sad. I used to be such a force at Christmas time but these past few years all I really want is for it to be over.

I hate being single at the family gatherings where I am surrounded by all my cousins and their spouses and their kids. I’m glad they’re happy but it’s just so hard to sit there and pretend like I am when all I can really think about is how much it’s going to suck to go home and fall asleep alone on Christmas Eve.

And I think I’m only getting worse as times goes on. I didn’t even put up my tiny little tree this year. I haven’t bought a single gift. I helped my mom string lights on the fence and that’s been the extent of my festivities.

It shouldn’t be like this. And yet, this is exactly how it is.

Again.

Relationships

Sometimes

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Sometimes I think I have things figured out.
Other times, it’s painfully obvious that I don’t.
Sometimes I think I am growing and evolving and
discovering parts of myself I never knew were there.
Other times, I can’t believe how much I’ve stayed the same.
Sometimes I close my eyes and wish that I could disappear somewhere,
reinvent myself, become someone else overnight.
Other times, I curse myself for those thoughts because I am happy with who I’ve become.

There’s something I keep looking for and not finding…
a void in my life that I thought the right person could fill.
But what if I am searching for a fantasy that will never become reality?
And what if that’s true because of my own limitations, because of my scars,
because of my walls?

How then, do I attain that completeness I want so terribly?
And do I even keep searching for it when all my hope could be false hope?
I want to understand these things… to understand myself.
I still want what I want but at what cost do I seek it out?

I remember why the walls are up.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to tear them down.

Relationships

Once upon a time…

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Once upon a time there was a peasant girl who dreamed of a different life. Her mind and body did what was expected while her soul burned for something more. For most of her life she had not known what that something was; she only knew she was unfulfilled.

One day a seer visited the village and although her fear was almost petrifying, she somehow willed her feet to move and stood before him. His gift was strong and it took only a touch of her hand for him to know her. With eyes closed, her thoughts, fears and aspirations filled his mind. He felt her hand pull away and opened his eyes to catch a glimpse of her dress fanning behind her as she bolted away.

As he went about conducting his business over the next few days, thoughts of that frightened girl continued to sneak into the furthest reaches of his mind. He knew without question what her heart desired. Life had taken its toll on her and he knew that as well. But he was also confident that she knew these things.

So why then, had she come to him? Hope. Only the slightest glimmer would be enough to keep her going, to allow herself to reach out, to open up…

As the end of the week rushed upon him, he boxed up the tools of his trade, scanning the faces in the crowd as he packed them onto his carriage. A rustle behind him caught his ear and he turned to see her turning the corner, walking away again. Two steps toward her bring them almost face-to-face as she has changed direction yet again.

She is broken and weak. She is terrified. Her heart cries out silently, and only he has the gift to hear it.

He takes her hand and starts to speak. This time she lets him. “You can have it,” he whispers.

“Thank you,” she cries. “You have given me all that I need to make it mine.”

Relationships

Watch Out for Wild Dogs

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Growing up I remember often thinking that life would be easier when I got older. And I guess some things are. On a lot of levels, I’m more confident. I don’t have to worry about pimples. My parents can’t tell me what to do. I have my own money that I can spend as I see fit. etc. etc. etc.

But what I didn’t count on is that some things get much harder. Like making friends, for example. How exactly does a woman of thirty meet new people? And how does she get to know them to the point of finding out if they have anything in common?

So many things have changed in the past couple of years. Two of my closest friends moved away. Far away. Two others got married. These were the people I hung out with. We were a perfect little circle. To make matters worse, I’m on the other side of a divorce now. And the few new people I meet are either married or in a relationship so that pretty much excludes me. It’s just weird to have the odd singleton in the mix.

But the fact of the matter is, I need to do something about this. Everything I do these days completely revolves around work. The only people I talk to outside of my family are clients and people who come into the store. Well, except for my best girlfriend, M. She’s amazing and the best friend I could hope for. But she lives in a grown up world where I feel like I don’t fit anymore. She has a real family of her own. Husband. Two kids. Cat.

So I realize that I need to fix this. And I want to fix it. I just don’t know how. I’ve considered taking a class at the local university but I’m afraid I’ll stick out as the old person in the class and not meet a soul. I really don’t like going out to clubs and besides, you can’t really meet anybody in a place like that.

Plus, I want to meet a man. A good man. Once upon a time I knew this guy who was attracted to smart girls. He would IM me from work and ask me what I was working on and the more studious it was, the better. And he was crazy for it. Now there were lots of things about him that made that particular guy not good for me. But I really want to believe that there’s a similar one out there who might not need a Barbie doll to be happy. And who I might possibly be able to hold an intelligent conversation with. And maybe, just maybe, he would have a job. But I’m not going to meet him sitting at my computer 18 hours a day.

So I must figure out how to make this happen or I will be destined, as Bridget would say, to die old and alone and eventually be eaten by wild dogs.

Relationships

Gotta Get Me One of Those

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A friend of mine wrote to say she just received 5 dozen roses from this guy she’s been seeing. They met sixty days ago. He sent her daisies after their first date and later sent sunflowers and two dozen long stem roses. Then today… this.

And that’s not all… according to her he cooks “like a gourment chef”, he cleans, treats her “like a queen” and is a true romantic.

So I guess there’s hope for the rest of us to find a truly good guy. 🙂 Unless he was the last one?! :=\

Humor, Relationships

The Facts of Life

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So, I’m working like mad the past couple of weeks, trying to get the store site back up and I’m practically living at Mindgames and all I can think is how there are never any girls in this place. And therefore, I’m never around any girls anymore. Which means most of the guys who hang out at Mindgames are seldom (if ever) around any girls. So I’m thinking perhaps you guys could use a little insight into the female psyche from time to time. Maybe I’m wrong… maybe you guys have it all figured out. If this is this case, I implore you to enlighten your fellow geeks without worry about the potential for competition. There are plenty of girls to go around. I promise.

My best girlfriend says there are two essential facts we must all understand about life. Everything else is just details. Ready? Here they are: Fact #1: Boys are stupid (wait… don’t get offended… yet) and Fact #2: Girls are evil.

I’m not sure if I’m a 100% believer in her theory, but I will concede that it does have some merit. At least, I’ll concede that by accepting these assumptions about the opposite sex we can make our lives easier. Question: Have you ever heard a girl say, “I cannot believe he just said that to me. What was he thinking?” Answer: Boys are stupid. Question: Have you ever spent a Saturday night playing cards or the computer ’til the wee hours only to have your girl call and ask when you’re coming home? “I don’t know. Did you want me to come home now?” you say. And she comes back with, “No. It’s okay. Just play. I don’t care.” Yet, the next time you see her, she’s quiet. And subtlely pissy. Why? Answer: Girls are evil.

More on Fact #1 or “Why Boys Are Stupid”:

If the girl who gets her feelings hurt by a guy who speaks before thinking could just understand Fact #1, her life would be exponentially easier. It’s not so much that boys are stupid. It’s more that they’re ignorant. They’re ignorant about the way girls work… about what we really want. And to us, it seems incredibly stupid because what we want is perfectly clear. To us. So here are a few hints, guys:

  • We want to feel special. Yeah, I know. That sounds so after-school-special. But it’s true. We want to know that when you think of us (not girls in general, but your specific girl) that you think we’re the coolest girl you know. And yes, I am fully aware that this next statement might be construed as completely insane, but here goes:
  • We want to feel like there is nothing you’d rather be doing and no place you’d rather be, than with us. Period.
  • We want to feel pretty. Omg. I am actually laughing as I type that, but it’s true. So for crying out loud, compliment your girl. Don’t work yourself to death with it. But chances are, if you’re really into her, it won’t actually be that hard. And just so you know, the absolute best time to compliment her (read: most effective) is on the day she doesn’t look her best. Because you can be certain she’s aware of that fact. No girl is oblivious to the bad hair day (well, with the possible exception of those who are still sporting “mall bangs”) or the strategically placed pimple. Oh, and if you’re one of those rare, golden guys who will actually fall for a girl in spite of the way she looks… Say, perhaps, because she’s fun to be with or because you have random things in common or (god forbid) because she’s smart and you’re actually into that… then remember that she wants to feel pretty too. And she probably tries much harder to look nice when she leaves the house than those who were fortunate enough to be blessed with good genes. So pick something about her that you do find attractive — maybe her eyes are a great color or she has good lips or cool new shirt. One more thing, if you want major bonus points, acknowledge it when she does something different, like changing her hair, because there’s a very good chance, she left the salon wondering what you’d think.
  • Occasionally, we want you to take control. Now before your mind goes directly into the gutter, stop. Read. Comprehend. Come out of the bedroom and into, for example, the kitchen or the garage or the front yard. Fix something that’s broken (this next phrase is the key here, guys) without being asked. Or change the oil in the car. Girls go bananas over a guy who actually makes himself useful. You will find that taking this initiative from time to time will eliminate a good 90% of what is commonly known as “nagging.” I guarantee it. I further guarantee, that this course of action is the mostly likely to bring forth rewards. And I’m talking the good kind here. Feel free to let your mind wander back into the bedroom now, cause that’s where I’m headed with this.

More on Fact #2 or “Why Girls Are Evil”:

  • Because we rarely ever say what we mean. Instead we say we “don’t want to talk about it” or the ever-popular, “Nothing.” Now, if we truly believe Fact #1 why on earth would we expect you to read our minds? I’m thinking that’s a talent more often reserved for the gifted. But that’s just me.
  • As a rule, we’re much better at reading people than guys are. Which makes us better manipulators. Your typical girl will take full advantage of this fact. She will figure out what makes you tick (sadly, 9 times out of ten, it’s not that tough a call to make) and she will use it to her advantage. Very. Effectively. This is also why girls get so catty about other girls. We can smell a user a mile away. And when we do, we want her to stay at least twice that far from any guy we give a rat’s tail about. And I don’t just mean our boyfriends, but our boy friends as well. To recap, your typical girl is a master manipulator. So try to stay away from typical girls.
  • As stated above, what we want is perfectly clear to us. The evil part is this: it’s likely to change from one minute to the next. You can’t predict it. And you can’t avoid it. All I can offer you is this: Know it’s coming. And roll with it. If your girl changes ships in midstream and wants to completely screw up your plans for the night because she’s changed hers, it’s perfectly acceptable not to toss your entire night out the window to satisfy her whim. You may suffer for it for a fleeting moment, but if she’s worth your time, she’ll remember that it’s her own fault and she’ll get over. Plus, if she really cares about you, she wants you to have some time to yourself now and then. And if she’s really as smart as she thinks she is, she knows that this will only make you both happier to see each other the next time you’re together.
  • We forget that we are actual, real, fully-functioning human beings when we are not attached to a guy. It slips our minds that, before we met you, we actually did have some semblance of a life and we weren’t all that unhappy with it. We actually went out with our friends and (gasp!) enjoyed it. Be careful about bringing this one up, though. If you don’t handle it correctly she’s going to immediately jump to the conclusion that you’re trying to get rid of her.

    Okay, I guess that’s it. Anybody still reading? ;-)Next time: Embrace Your Inner Geek

    • Life or something like it, Relationships

    Answers, Please

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    Every time I think I’m getting myself on track something happens that COMPLETELY throws me for a loop and then, there I am again, flailing around like a fish out of water. Where exactly does the expression “older and wiser” come from? How much older do I have to be before I actually get wiser? Because, right now, I am feeling like a complete and total idiot.

    Things I Don’t Understand That I Hope I Will Understand Before I’m Too Old To Care If I Understand Them:

    (1) Why doesn’t hard work pay off? I’ve always heard this was true. My mom always said it. My dad always said it. “Keep that nose to the grindstone and someday you’ll be glad you did.” Bah. Humbug. Screw that. My nose has been to the freakin’ grindstone since I started first grade and where has it gotten me? Sure, I don’t work “for the man” anymore but so what? I still don’t make any money. I’m not doing what I want to be doing. My college education means crap (except for once a month when I struggle to make that stupid loan payment and then it means an upset stomach and a headache). My work experience, while quite respectable for someone my age,means diddly squat in the job I have now.

    (2) Why are there so many “takers” and so few “givers”? Why are there so many people who are perfect willing to let another person go out of their way for them (no kidding, these folks will ask for anything) but have a problem with getting a soda for someone when they’re already on their way to the stupid machine anyway?

    Shouldn’t our exchanges with people be more of a two way street? And people like me, who are good-hearted and easy-going by nature are such easy freakin’ targets! It doesn’t bother me one bit to do a favor for a friend. Hmph… not even just for friends. Acquaintances, even. It’s just the way I was raised and I hate that I feel like a moron sometimes for being that way. All you takers our there (you SO know who you are) should get off your collective arses and give a little back now and again.

    (3) Why does the dog prefer to eat the cat food?

    (4) Men. Or even better, relationships with men. Or better yet, interaction with men. Okay so there was no question there and my nifty little format of “(#) Why” just went TOTALLY out the window, but I don’t even know what question to ask. They do the complete opposite of what we need them to do exactly 99% of the time. We talk… try to tell them what we want (so that the percentage might eek down to 98%) and they pretend to listen. They nod and grunt or say something charming while trying to make the dialogue — scratch that– the monologue end as quickly as possible and then the next day the entire episode is completely erased from their memories. They want the wrong girls… they’re so wrapped up in their penises that they forget that someday, they’re gonna be old and shriveled up and wish they had somebody to make them mashed potatoes and gravy for dinner ’cause they’re false teeth hurt their gums and they don’t want anything they have to chew. They forget that one of these days, they’re gonna get fired (that’s provided they’re one of the men who actually work for a living) and feel worthless and emasculated and they’re gonna want somebody to remind them just how Almonso (read “Manly”) they really are. Or maybe it’s not that they forget these things… maybe it’s that they never even think about them in the first place. Yep, that’s gotta be it.

    Okay, so that’s my short list. It is now officially 5am and it’s time to stop before this rant throws me into a total depression.

    Oh yeah, and by the way… If anybody knows the answers to any of these questions, I’d appreciate being let in on the secret(s).