If you’ve been following my recent posts, chances are you expect this post to be about J, or addicts in general, and all the promises they make but seldom (if ever) keep. Wrong. I’m trying to make a change in me today. I’ve spent a lot of time lately reading the writings of others who have been down this road before me, particularly Ron over at An Addict In Our Son’s Bedroom. I am amazed at the strength this family has had to muster over the last few years. A Google search took me to their site and after reading one post, I followed the archives back all the way to the beginning. I’ve been reading for a few days now and am still over a year from the present… and I’ve fought the urge to skip ahead. There’s something very comforting about reading their story; there’s also something very sad about it. Continue reading Are You A (Wo)man of Your Word?
Tag Archives: love
Time on my hands
This weekend was a perfect example of why I try to keep myself immersed in work. Time on my hands means far too much time to think; too much time to think makes me:
- angry
- bitter
- lonely
- sad
I don’t want to be nice to people. I don’t want to help anyone out. I just want someone to take care of me.
Lost and found
Ambling around in a world of identical people,
my search had always been for someone who was not.
The roar of heartbeats and breath and meaningless conversation
drowned out anything of significance — until I found you.
Your words were rations for my starving heart.
The mob lost its power as we danced among them, finally within reach.
I held onto you a like a girl-child in a field of daisies… spinning around,
faster and faster until I could feel it happening but I couldn’t stop it.
I can’t recall if you let me go or I you but I do remember with perfect clarity
exactly how it felt when your fingertips slipped from mine.
I called out for you but the noise only grew stronger until you couldn’t hear.
And the crowd seeped in between us and once again I was lost.
Tonight
I hate the limitations of my humanity.
Sometimes
Sometimes I think I have things figured out.
Other times, it’s painfully obvious that I don’t.
Sometimes I think I am growing and evolving and
discovering parts of myself I never knew were there.
Other times, I can’t believe how much I’ve stayed the same.
Sometimes I close my eyes and wish that I could disappear somewhere,
reinvent myself, become someone else overnight.
Other times, I curse myself for those thoughts because I am happy with who I’ve become.
There’s something I keep looking for and not finding…
a void in my life that I thought the right person could fill.
But what if I am searching for a fantasy that will never become reality?
And what if that’s true because of my own limitations, because of my scars,
because of my walls?
How then, do I attain that completeness I want so terribly?
And do I even keep searching for it when all my hope could be false hope?
I want to understand these things… to understand myself.
I still want what I want but at what cost do I seek it out?
I remember why the walls are up.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to tear them down.
It’s Like, You Know…
I know it’s been way too long since I’ve posted anything here. I’ve been doing some re-grouping as most people do this time of year. And here’s one thing I’ve learned: posting here, perhaps, makes me a bit too introspective. I firmly believe that self-awareness is a good thing, but I need to better learn how to achieve that self-awareness without absolutely dwelling on certain aspects of my life that, more often than not, make me unhappy. So hopefully I will be able to post here more often, and actually make myself feel better rather than worse.
To catch you up… a few things that have happened during my AWOL period:
- The dog has taken to running out the back gate every time I leave the house and it’s driving me crazy.
- My grandfather passed away. He was 84 but basically in good health so it was a bit of a shock. He went in for some heart surgery, which he survived, but we lost him when they tried to take him off the machines in recovery. We buried him last week, complete with all the appropriate bells and whistles for an honored WWII veteran.
- The wipers on my car have mysteriously stopped working. We had our first snow/ice of the season a couple of weeks ago and I thought they were just frozen, but it’s 70 degrees this week and they still won’t work. Of course, this is happening now, as my car is recently paid off.
- There has been discussion of selling The Store. I really don’t want this to happen for several reasons, not the least of which is that I’ve had enough change for a while and I’d like things to just sort of “stay” for a while.
And because I was absent and missed the day we all did resolutions…
In 2005, I resolve:
- to quit smoking. By June30th.
- to lose 50 pounds. Which leads me to the next resolution
- to run 3 times a week. Got new running shoes for Christmas, so I’m ready.
- to increase my monthly billing for Kim’s Lilypad x2.
- to learn how to do more with my beautiful guitar than just look good holding it.
Watch Out for Wild Dogs
Growing up I remember often thinking that life would be easier when I got older. And I guess some things are. On a lot of levels, I’m more confident. I don’t have to worry about pimples. My parents can’t tell me what to do. I have my own money that I can spend as I see fit. etc. etc. etc.
But what I didn’t count on is that some things get much harder. Like making friends, for example. How exactly does a woman of thirty meet new people? And how does she get to know them to the point of finding out if they have anything in common?
So many things have changed in the past couple of years. Two of my closest friends moved away. Far away. Two others got married. These were the people I hung out with. We were a perfect little circle. To make matters worse, I’m on the other side of a divorce now. And the few new people I meet are either married or in a relationship so that pretty much excludes me. It’s just weird to have the odd singleton in the mix.
But the fact of the matter is, I need to do something about this. Everything I do these days completely revolves around work. The only people I talk to outside of my family are clients and people who come into the store. Well, except for my best girlfriend, M. She’s amazing and the best friend I could hope for. But she lives in a grown up world where I feel like I don’t fit anymore. She has a real family of her own. Husband. Two kids. Cat.
So I realize that I need to fix this. And I want to fix it. I just don’t know how. I’ve considered taking a class at the local university but I’m afraid I’ll stick out as the old person in the class and not meet a soul. I really don’t like going out to clubs and besides, you can’t really meet anybody in a place like that.
Plus, I want to meet a man. A good man. Once upon a time I knew this guy who was attracted to smart girls. He would IM me from work and ask me what I was working on and the more studious it was, the better. And he was crazy for it. Now there were lots of things about him that made that particular guy not good for me. But I really want to believe that there’s a similar one out there who might not need a Barbie doll to be happy. And who I might possibly be able to hold an intelligent conversation with. And maybe, just maybe, he would have a job. But I’m not going to meet him sitting at my computer 18 hours a day.
So I must figure out how to make this happen or I will be destined, as Bridget would say, to die old and alone and eventually be eaten by wild dogs.
Gotta Get Me One of Those

A friend of mine wrote to say she just received 5 dozen roses from this guy she’s been seeing. They met sixty days ago. He sent her daisies after their first date and later sent sunflowers and two dozen long stem roses. Then today… this.
And that’s not all… according to her he cooks “like a gourment chef”, he cleans, treats her “like a queen” and is a true romantic.
So I guess there’s hope for the rest of us to find a truly good guy. 🙂 Unless he was the last one?! :=\
Fact
I do not know a single guy who appreciates his girlfriend/wife.
