Seriously. What is going on in the world when I can’t run down the street to Mickey D’s without needing a Xanax?

I make a lot of fast food runs every week because we work really long days at the store and, well, we eat a lot of junk food. Anyway, lately it seems that EVERY TIME I make one of these runs, I come back wanting to do violence. Seriously. Limp Bizkit is blaring in my head right now. Here’s how it went down today:

I pull up at the drive-thru and wait for it.

Cashier #1: Welcome to McDonalds, would you like to try our new Chicken Selects?

Me: No thank you. I have two separate orders, please.

Looong pause.

Cashier #1: Okay ma’am. Go ahead with your first order.

Me: I’d like three Bacon Ranch Salads. All three with grilled chicken. All three with ranch dressing.

Loooonger pause.

Cashier #1: Okay, ma’am. What kind of salad was that?

Me: Bacon Ranch. Three Bacon Ranch Salads.

Cashier #1: And do you want the chicken grilled or crispy?

Me: Grilled.

Cashier #1: Okay, grilled chicken on the first. What about the other two?

Me: All three with grilled chicken and ranch dressing.

Cashier #1: And what kind of dressing do you want?

Me: Ranch on all three.

Cashier #1: Okay, I have three bacon ranch salads with grilled chicken and ranch dressing. Will that be all for you today?

Me: That’s it.

Cashier #1: Your total is $24.86. Please pull up to the first window.

Me: Did you say twenty-four dollars?

Cashier #1: Yes ma’am. $24.86.

Me: For three salads?

Cashier #1: Yes ma’am.

Me: Are you sure?

Cashier #1: Yes ma’am.

Me: They’re four dollars and thirty cents a piece.

Cashier #1: Well, that’s what it say.

Me: Okay, well I don’t want three salads for twenty four dollars. So never mind then.

I pull around. Park my car and get out. At this point, I don’t know whether to laugh or smack somebody around but I’m leaning toward the latter. Clearly, the cashier had punched in the order twice. Clearly she had NOT only put in three salads. Clearly, she was mentally deficient. As I walk in the door, I see her coming around the corner, headset in plain view. She spots me and proclaims, “There she is!”

I walk up to the counter as the manager says, “How many salads did she order?” Then she looks at me.

“Three Bacon Ranch. With grilled chicken. And ranch dressing.”

“Oh! Well, she put in six.”

About that time, I remember my second order and notice another employee standing close by, leaning on the cash register.

Me: I have a second order. Can you take it?

She’s clearly thrown for a HUGE loop.

Cashier #2: Uhmm, I guess so. Hold on a minute.

She calls someone else over to help her.

My friend had asked for a 10-piece nugget meal, something I’m reasonably certain they don’t have. But I ask anyway.

Me: Do you have a ten piece nugget meal or do I need to order those items separately?

And she’s thrown for yet another loop.

Cashier #2: Uhmm, I don’t think so. Hold on a minute.

I don’t know when exactly her helper disappeared. But obviously it happened sometime in between those two questions. So I go on, trying to help her out.

Me: Just let me have a ten piece nugget and the biggest fry you have.

Her helper chimes in, “That’d be a Super Size.”

Me: Okay. And a Super Size drink.

Cashier #2: And a Big & Tasty?

{What?! Where did THAT come from?}

Me: No. No Big & Tasty.

She finally gets it punched in and then has a ridiculous amount of trouble making my change. Meanwhile, the manager has walked up, bringing my three Bacon Ranch salads. They’re all three stuffed in the same little bag, which is too full for me to carry with one hand. They bring out the bag with my second order and put a Super Size cup down on the counter as well. Cashier #2 picks up the cup, inspects it and says “That cup’s dirty” and then PUTS IT BACK DOWN! I pick it up, seeing the “dirt” and put it back on the counter and just look at her.

Cashier #2: You want another one?

Me: Yeah. I think I do.