Tag Archives: Life or something like it

Relationships

Park The Car

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gearshifter It took me two dates to love him, three weeks to learn what he called his deepest, darkest secret, five weeks to move in with him and six weeks to learn his (real) deepest, darkest secret.

We were “in liquidation” at work. I managed a retail location for one of the now-defunct movie rental chains. I was working, at minimum, 60 hours a week and on my way to being unemployed. And I had never been happier in my life. A few short weeks earlier I had met a man. And not just any man… the man. I was over-the-moon in love for the first time in fifteen years. I hadn’t quite put my finger on what it was about him yet but I knew he was very different from any other guy I had dated before. Boy did I have that right… Continue reading Park The Car →

Life or something like it

Own it

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When I resurrected this blog a few weeks ago, J was less than thrilled. “Why?” he asked. “Who reads it? Who will you be talking to?” You see, as insane as it may sound, we deleted our Facebook accounts a while back. We’ve seen far too many friends and acquaintances lose what appeared to be solid relationships in no small part because of social networking sites and “secret” email accounts. So we decided, for us, the best move was to kill the Facebook accounts. Naturally, when I told him about the blog, he wondered what was up. Continue reading Own it →

Life or something like it

Who keeps moving the goalpost?

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So I’ve had an epiphany of late about why I seem to have such a hard time being content… finding happiness and I thought I’d share.

I listen to a lot of talk radio. My mornings are filled with call-in shrink shows and sometimes one of them strikes a chord with me. The other day this woman was struggling with “never being good enough.” I feel that way all the time. The host asked the caller if it was really that she never felt good enough, or that the goalpost keeps moving. Her answer (the same as mine), “The goalpost keeps moving.”

Continue reading Who keeps moving the goalpost? →

Life or something like it

Let it go already

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I really need to learn to let the little things go. I don’t know why I let myself get so frustrated and stressed at things I can’t control and that really shouldn’t matter anyway. Life is full of ups and downs. I know this. Only a select few (please tell me how they get selected) get to stroll through life without drama or distress.

A large part of how I react to things is genetic. Historically, my family is made up of a bunch of worriers. We stress. We hold things in. We have ulcers and migraines. I really want to learn how to stop doing this. I have enough big problems to worry about without bogging myself down with the small stuff.

Life or something like it

Today’s horoscope

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The pace of your life is a lot faster than you may realize right now. Your unconscious speed may not be bothering you, but it might be bothering the people in your life. This go-go attitude of yours might be sending out the wrong message — a vibe that says you’re not willing to wait for anyone else to catch up, that says you’ve got too many important things to do. But that’s not really true, is it? Make sure you’re in step with everyone else right now. You could use the company!

Actually, I realize exactly how fast the pace of my life is and I am doing so many things right now to try and slow it down. It may not be spring but things are blooming all around me and I want nothing more to have time to stop and take them in.

Life or something like it

Walking Uphill

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At what point do I stop feeling like I’m walking uphill every minute of every day? My body is exhausted and my soul is beaten down. You’d think as much as I work that I’d be getting rich. But I’m not — I’m just getting old.

I try to make adjustments, to do new things, talk to new people, change my routine… but nothing ever really changes. I’m in such a funk that all I really want to do is stay home where there is no one else and just be myself. Everything I do and say has to be filtered or edited to make it “appropriate” for the person I’m talking to or the situation I’m in and I’m sick of it. I just want to be myself. If I feel like shit today, I just want to be able to feel like shit and not have to justify it to fourteen different people.

I want to wake up in the morning with something to look forward to. I want something to be excited about. I wrap myself up in this blanket of work and busy-ness and it’s nothing more than insulation. And it’s not working nearly as well as it used to.

1:00pm. Time to put on my blanket…

Life or something like it

Lost

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I don’t really know what to write here. I dumped the blog a long time ago because I felt like I’d built this network of blogging friends and my entries were doing nothing but bringing you all down. So I just stopped writing all together because I felt guilty about that. But the truth is, I miss this. I don’t have many friends and the few I do have really have no desire to listen to my endless ramblings and analysis of my non-life.

That being said, I’m going to start writing here again because I need it. I need the self-therapy, the release, the occasional epiphany. I need to express myself with the bravery of being out of range and out of sight of those who read it.

Plus, I miss you guys. So now I’m going to check all of your blogs and see what you’ve been up to.

More to come.

Life or something like it

Hauntings

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I’ve been playing the “what if” game a lot lately. I keep trying to figure out how my life got so off track. I’m second-guessing every decision I ever made — big ones, little ones, in-between ones. But mostly, it’s the big ones. For example…

What if I’d gone away to college rather than attending university right here at home?

Well, the downside would be the inevitable negative impact on my relationship with my parents and my brother. We’ve grown really close, as adults, these past few years and I know I wouldn’t have that. On the upside, I most likely would have had many more career opportunities upon graduation and would have thought a little “bigger”.

What if I’d never gotten married?

Wow. Now this one I could go on about forever. So I’ll try and just stick to the one aspect of this question that’s haunting me right now. If I had never gotten married, even if I’d gone to college locally, I so would have moved far, far away from here when I graduated. I would be in the big city somewhere with a completely different life. And the thought of that is very appealing to me right now. Very appealing.

What if I’d never gotten divorced?

Maybe that should read “What if I’d never had reason to get divorced?”. What if we’d met later in life? Or what if he’d meant his vows as much as I meant mine? Or what if I’d been the right girl? We’d be happy. In the traditional sense like my parents are happy. We’d work these ridiculously long hours like we work now, but it wouldn’t matter because at the end of the day, we’d go home together. We’d spend Sundays sleeping late and seeing a double feature at the movies. We’d take trips and talk about taking other trips. We’d make plans.

I haven’t written much lately because I’ve been in such a negative mood and I didn’t want to depress everybody else with my little pity party. It’s just that, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m a planner. And it’s so hard to sit back and look at my life now and realize that absolutely nothing is as I thought it would be. And even worse, very little is as I think it should be.

So I struggle now with decisions that should be simple ones because I’m afraid. I don’t trust my own judgment and I’m terrified that one more wrong turn will take me even further into this place I really don’t want to be in. But I know that I have to keep making the choices and taking the chances, because, one of these days, I’m going to get it right.