I keep writing paragraph after paragraph and then deleting it.

The fact is that I have about a hundred thoughts in my head this week and they’re all connected — but I can’t manage to put them together in a way that would make sense to anyone other than me.

This week has been hard and lonely. I really hate the holidays which just makes me sad. I used to be such a force at Christmas time but these past few years all I really want is for it to be over.

I hate being single at the family gatherings where I am surrounded by all my cousins and their spouses and their kids. I’m glad they’re happy but it’s just so hard to sit there and pretend like I am when all I can really think about is how much it’s going to suck to go home and fall asleep alone on Christmas Eve.

And I think I’m only getting worse as times goes on. I didn’t even put up my tiny little tree this year. I haven’t bought a single gift. I helped my mom string lights on the fence and that’s been the extent of my festivities.

It shouldn’t be like this. And yet, this is exactly how it is.

Again.