Tag Archives: career

Life or something like it

Walking Uphill

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At what point do I stop feeling like I’m walking uphill every minute of every day? My body is exhausted and my soul is beaten down. You’d think as much as I work that I’d be getting rich. But I’m not — I’m just getting old.

I try to make adjustments, to do new things, talk to new people, change my routine… but nothing ever really changes. I’m in such a funk that all I really want to do is stay home where there is no one else and just be myself. Everything I do and say has to be filtered or edited to make it “appropriate” for the person I’m talking to or the situation I’m in and I’m sick of it. I just want to be myself. If I feel like shit today, I just want to be able to feel like shit and not have to justify it to fourteen different people.

I want to wake up in the morning with something to look forward to. I want something to be excited about. I wrap myself up in this blanket of work and busy-ness and it’s nothing more than insulation. And it’s not working nearly as well as it used to.

1:00pm. Time to put on my blanket…

Life or something like it, Relationships

Too many “takers”

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Most of the time lately I feel like one (or both) of these two things. What is up with so many people in the world being “takers”? Is there no one left who actually enjoys doing things for those they care about? Or, are there others out there, I am just unfortunate in that I don’t know any of them?

For example, my co-worker (there are only two of us who run the store here) has been out of town for two weeks. Which means, I’ve had the store on my own for that amount of time. This means I have to think of every possible situation that could arise and prepare for it before I open the store each day. If I run out of ones in the register, I’m screwed… folks are getting quarters back for change. If I miss the mailman with our outgoing packages, I have to lock up the store for 10 minutes while I run them to the post office. If I don’t buy food, I have to be hungry. So one day last week, the mailman ran early and I had a ton of packages to ship out. And these eBay folks take their auctions seriously so there’s not putting it off til the next day. A very close friend of mine is here at the store as I package everything up and complain about having to lock up to take them to the post office. He leaves for work (where he only works 3 hours a day, btw) and proceeds to call me around 15 minutes later asking if I’ve gone yet because if I haven’t he wants me to go to the store to pick him up a pack of smokes! Nevermind that he could have offered to drop those packages off for me. Nevermind that I was having to close my store in the middle of the day to do it. Nevermind that he only has to work 3 hours a day.

Or, for another example, the guy I’m seeing (who shall, from this point forward, be known as KB) had a birthday last weekend. He’d asked for a special gift (there was an “outfit” involved) and I was happy to oblige. I went to LOTS of trouble to find the perfect outfit with all the right accessories and details. We had planned to get together to celebrate on Saturday night (the day before his birthday) for several reasons, none of which are all that interesting so I’ll skip that part. Anyway, at the last minute on Saturday night, he gets invited to a bachelor party, says he feels “obligated” to go, so he blows me off to go get really drunk and get multiple lapdances from the stripper. Which I get to hear about IN DETAIL when he gets back as the guys who went share their stories with those who didn’t go. First of all, I don’t enjoy being around people who are really drunk unless I am too. It’s just irritating. Second, our relationship is strained right now because of circumstances that make me less than confident so I really don’t want to be hearing about any stripper. Third, I went to A LOT of trouble for this birthday thing and to just be blown off as if it was nothing really hurt me. I know it was his birthday but I could go my whole life without knowing he’d drop me like that. Anyway, I sucked it up and got together with him after the party and it was great fun (of course it was fun; how can it not be fun when there are outfits?) but I can’t deny that the whole thing left me feeling used.

And I guess that’s the point of this post. I’m not a user. I don’t take people for granted. I appreciate even the smallest gestures made by others. So what the hell is wrong with everyone else? I’m pretty sure it’s my turn now.

Life or something like it

Hauntings

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I’ve been playing the “what if” game a lot lately. I keep trying to figure out how my life got so off track. I’m second-guessing every decision I ever made — big ones, little ones, in-between ones. But mostly, it’s the big ones. For example…

What if I’d gone away to college rather than attending university right here at home?

Well, the downside would be the inevitable negative impact on my relationship with my parents and my brother. We’ve grown really close, as adults, these past few years and I know I wouldn’t have that. On the upside, I most likely would have had many more career opportunities upon graduation and would have thought a little “bigger”.

What if I’d never gotten married?

Wow. Now this one I could go on about forever. So I’ll try and just stick to the one aspect of this question that’s haunting me right now. If I had never gotten married, even if I’d gone to college locally, I so would have moved far, far away from here when I graduated. I would be in the big city somewhere with a completely different life. And the thought of that is very appealing to me right now. Very appealing.

What if I’d never gotten divorced?

Maybe that should read “What if I’d never had reason to get divorced?”. What if we’d met later in life? Or what if he’d meant his vows as much as I meant mine? Or what if I’d been the right girl? We’d be happy. In the traditional sense like my parents are happy. We’d work these ridiculously long hours like we work now, but it wouldn’t matter because at the end of the day, we’d go home together. We’d spend Sundays sleeping late and seeing a double feature at the movies. We’d take trips and talk about taking other trips. We’d make plans.

I haven’t written much lately because I’ve been in such a negative mood and I didn’t want to depress everybody else with my little pity party. It’s just that, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m a planner. And it’s so hard to sit back and look at my life now and realize that absolutely nothing is as I thought it would be. And even worse, very little is as I think it should be.

So I struggle now with decisions that should be simple ones because I’m afraid. I don’t trust my own judgment and I’m terrified that one more wrong turn will take me even further into this place I really don’t want to be in. But I know that I have to keep making the choices and taking the chances, because, one of these days, I’m going to get it right.

Life or something like it, Relationships

Answers, Please

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Every time I think I’m getting myself on track something happens that COMPLETELY throws me for a loop and then, there I am again, flailing around like a fish out of water. Where exactly does the expression “older and wiser” come from? How much older do I have to be before I actually get wiser? Because, right now, I am feeling like a complete and total idiot.

Things I Don’t Understand That I Hope I Will Understand Before I’m Too Old To Care If I Understand Them:

(1) Why doesn’t hard work pay off? I’ve always heard this was true. My mom always said it. My dad always said it. “Keep that nose to the grindstone and someday you’ll be glad you did.” Bah. Humbug. Screw that. My nose has been to the freakin’ grindstone since I started first grade and where has it gotten me? Sure, I don’t work “for the man” anymore but so what? I still don’t make any money. I’m not doing what I want to be doing. My college education means crap (except for once a month when I struggle to make that stupid loan payment and then it means an upset stomach and a headache). My work experience, while quite respectable for someone my age,means diddly squat in the job I have now.

(2) Why are there so many “takers” and so few “givers”? Why are there so many people who are perfect willing to let another person go out of their way for them (no kidding, these folks will ask for anything) but have a problem with getting a soda for someone when they’re already on their way to the stupid machine anyway?

Shouldn’t our exchanges with people be more of a two way street? And people like me, who are good-hearted and easy-going by nature are such easy freakin’ targets! It doesn’t bother me one bit to do a favor for a friend. Hmph… not even just for friends. Acquaintances, even. It’s just the way I was raised and I hate that I feel like a moron sometimes for being that way. All you takers our there (you SO know who you are) should get off your collective arses and give a little back now and again.

(3) Why does the dog prefer to eat the cat food?

(4) Men. Or even better, relationships with men. Or better yet, interaction with men. Okay so there was no question there and my nifty little format of “(#) Why” just went TOTALLY out the window, but I don’t even know what question to ask. They do the complete opposite of what we need them to do exactly 99% of the time. We talk… try to tell them what we want (so that the percentage might eek down to 98%) and they pretend to listen. They nod and grunt or say something charming while trying to make the dialogue — scratch that– the monologue end as quickly as possible and then the next day the entire episode is completely erased from their memories. They want the wrong girls… they’re so wrapped up in their penises that they forget that someday, they’re gonna be old and shriveled up and wish they had somebody to make them mashed potatoes and gravy for dinner ’cause they’re false teeth hurt their gums and they don’t want anything they have to chew. They forget that one of these days, they’re gonna get fired (that’s provided they’re one of the men who actually work for a living) and feel worthless and emasculated and they’re gonna want somebody to remind them just how Almonso (read “Manly”) they really are. Or maybe it’s not that they forget these things… maybe it’s that they never even think about them in the first place. Yep, that’s gotta be it.

Okay, so that’s my short list. It is now officially 5am and it’s time to stop before this rant throws me into a total depression.

Oh yeah, and by the way… If anybody knows the answers to any of these questions, I’d appreciate being let in on the secret(s).