Valentine’s Day tests me every year, regardless of whether or not I actually have a Valentine. It reminds me of all the things I hate about being a girl. It reminds me of how helpless we are against emotions and how impossible it is for our brains to overrule our hearts. Basic concepts of my world such as logic and reason are completely overpowered by… what? The unrelenting need for “the big good.” Continue reading The Big Good
Weakness
I’m really tired tonight… tired from far too many nights of just not sleeping, not resting… tired from putting on my happy face all day long… tired of thinking and wondering and trying to make sense of this life and the people in it.
This life is mostly about relationships. We all have jobs or hobbies or distractions to fill the time, but it’s really about the people we know and share our lives with. But then, when you think about it, how well do we ever really know someone else? All we see is what they let us see. All we understand is what they choose to elaborate on so that we can understand. When was the last time someone asked how you were and you thought about it before you answered? For me, my mom and my best friend are the only ones who cause me to think before I respond. For everyone else, it’s a well-rehearsed, “I’m good. How are you?” And even with those two people, people I love so much and who I know really care what my answer is, I don’t have the heart to say how I really feel most of the time.
I’m blessed with a few good friends and even more people that I don’t know incredibly well but who surprise me with their compassion at times. Some of you are old friends who have become new myspace friends. Some of you are casual acquaintances who I am only just getting to know. And I am thankful for all of you.
But life is hard and when I struggle, I tend to withdraw because I don’t have the energy to put on the happy face anymore. And right now, I’m struggling. I’m too proud or too scared to admit what I’m really feeling to all of you so I’ll just say I feel weak and ridiculous and girly. I feel like I don’t know where to go or what to do next. I feel like I can’t do one more favor for one more person because I’m just going to break at any moment and I need to save all my brain waves and all my energy for keeping myself together. I feel used and unappreciated and worn down.
I feel like karma is a lie or I would be happy by now.
And Monica wrote today about being happy vs. being content, something I’ve spoken with her about recently. And the truth is that I think being content is no more equivalent to being happy as it is equivalent to being unhappy. Content is middle ground. Content is existence. Content is, at best, survival. It’s not happiness. But does that elusive happiness even really exist? Or are we so conditioned by images in movies or books that we are hoping for a fantasy that is no more real than a porno flick?
I don’t have the answer. But I need it. If this is all there is, then I need to have that knowledge so that I can accept and move ahead. I need to be empowered to stop holding out hope for something that is never going to happen.
And if it’s not, well… I’ve paid my dues and I need to know that too.
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Only after disaster can we be resurrected…
“Only after disaster can we be resurrected.”
That’s a great quote from a fabulous book/movie. It’s my sig on a couple of forums and I feel like I should be wearing a tee-shirt with it printed on the front lately. I feel I’m at the proverbial rock-bottom of life. I’m struggling to sleep and to wake, to work and to play, to laugh and to cry… Nothing feels good or right and I need someone to pick me up and hold me.
I just prayed for the first time in a long time. My hands are trembling and I finally cried.
It has to be uphill from here right?
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DreamVo
Last week, I filled you in on my DVR history and my newfound obsession with building my own. For all the technical stuff, you should check out Adam’s article at lifehacker. Yes, it’s over a year old but the concepts are the same. He goes over the finer points of choosing a capture card and setting things up so I’ll leave that to him. I want to talk about the possibilities…
What really got me reeling about all this was the idea of building a computer for a brand new environment — my living room. What typically lives next to the television? Cable or satellite box, DVD player/recorder, DVR, audio receiver/stereo, game console(s). So why can’t we build all of that into one box and customize it to our own exact specifications? I think we can.
This is what I want on mine (I’m calling it DreamVo):
mythTV
There are lots of options out there for software and most of it is Linux-based. This was a little intimidating to me at first as I have never used Linux but I’m coming around… the idea of an OS I can make my own is pretty shiny. mythTV is available as a free download and it’s packed with tons of features and options, making it my choice on the software front. I may also check out SageTV or BeyondTV but both of those have to be purchased so I’m sticking with the free stuff for now. mythTV gives me many of the bells and whistles that are on my wish list such as:
Video editing
Cut out those commercials to save disc space and clean up files before archiving. This is something my current DVR won’t do and I wish for it every day. Wouldn’t it be great to be able to burn your favorite shows to DVD commercial free?
Electronic program guide
No subscription fees. Ever. Escape the drag of monthly subscription fees from services like TiVO by having your own interactive program guide at your fingertips. Change channels, select programs to record and view program descriptions. Did I mention it’s free?
Remote scheduling
Ah… one of my favorite things about the old ReplayTV was the ability to login to my account on their website and view the contents of my hard drive as well as set programs to record. So on those rare occasions where I left for work without setting the recorder for that night, I could quickly login and make sure I didn’t miss Party of Five or ER.
MP3 player/manager
Rip, categorize, play, and visualize MP3/Ogg/FLAC/CD Audio files. (FLAC, Vorbis, and MP3 encoding). Create complex playlists (and playlists containing playlists) through a simple UI.
Console game emulator
Another project I’ve been dying to tackle lately is to setup an emulator to play old school console games on my PC. Playing them on my TV instead? Even better. mythTV comes with an emulator for NES and SNES. I’m thinking I could acquire the skills to add Colecovision as well.
Weather
Get current conditions, an extended forecast and radar at the click of a button. Forget sitting through the morning news or waiting for your area’s report on The Weather Channel. We’re talking instant gratification, baby!
DVD player/ripper
Backup your DVD collection or use the ripper to cut file sizes down by going to a lower quality file. And of course, watch DVDs.
RSS news reader
Stay up-to-date without staying in front of the PC. Quick access to newsfeeds with this RSS reader.
What’s missing?
Web browser
Mozilla Firefox is available for Linux so it stands to reason that it could be integrated and be functional in a HTPC box. Imagine this: You’re watching a movie on DVD and having one of those inevitable “What else was she in?” discussions with your friends. You pause the movie, pull up IMDB in Firefox and have the answer!
Satellite TV on your computer
Websites like satellitetvtopc.com claim to offer software that allows you to legally watch thousands of satellite tv channels on your pc. I haven’t tried this yet either, but it’s on my list. The site lists major networks on its channel list so I’m thinking free TV is definitely worth looking into. You pay a one-time fee for the software and supposedly the channels are free for the taking… but if /when it works I’ll have to figure out how to get the DVR to record off it!
Wireless keyboard/mouse
This wireless keyboard/mouse combo available from DigitalConnection makes the perfect finishing touch to my DVR/HTPC setup. It has a small footprint, gets great customer reviews for connectivity and the built-in trackball/mouse it hard to beat! Once I get the web browser working, I’ll need to be able to reply to posts on my favorite forums or…
Instant messenger
Okay so I have a keyboard and mouse… I may as well be able to IM my friends right? I’m going to put Pidgin IM on my list. Again, it’s Linux-based so I’m thinking I can make it work.
I know this was a long list and most of the features are qualified with statements like “if I can figure out how to…” but that’s half the fun right? It is to me. I’ll keep you updated as I research and further develop the plans for my DreamVo.
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Digital Recorder Recap
Ever since I bought my first DVR back in 1999 (Panasonic ReplayTV), I have wanted to do as others have done and hack into it. Off-the-shelf DVR’s traditionally ship with 80GB-ish hard drives and of course, it was only a matter of time before people realized how easy it was to crack open the case and put in a bigger drive. More hard drive space = more hours of recording time = win!
I was never brave enough to try my hand at upgrading my DVR. I just loved it way too much and was afraid my ignorance about computer hardware would lead to some type of critical mistake, leaving me DVR-less. Not to mention I paid a hefty price for being an early adopter ($600 plus) and that was just too much of an investment to take chances with.
But oh how the times change. The DVR died last year, not long before Christmas. I assume the hard drive went bad… I used the poor thing to the point of abuse and am surprised it lasted as long as it did. And let me tell you, just like everything else, they don’t make them like that anymore. I got seven years of service out of that machine and it worked great until the day it just stopped working.
So I found myself shopping for a new quickly. But much to my disappointment, the market is heavily dominated by TiVO. Back in the day, I bought the ReplayTV over the TiVO for one reason — they offered a lifetime subscription to their service for $199 compared to TiVO’s perpetual $5ish per month subscription fee. I finally found a combo DVR/DVD-RW machine with an 80GB hard drive and bought it last December.
About a month ago, the DVR started acting up (couldn’t get any video out to the TV in spit of the on-unit display working fine) so I started searching the web for a possible solution. That’s when I found this article at lifehacker.com and I was off. These units are commonly referred to now as PCHT (PC Home Theatre) units. Custom-sized cases that fit nicely in your home entertainment center are even being sold so you no longer have to find a way to fit a bulky tower somewhere near the TV.
I’ve gotten long-winded so next time I’ll fill you all in on the cool Linux-based GUI’s for homemade DVR’s and other exceptionally cool stuff.
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Programs I can’t live without
phpDesigner – If you do any kind of coding and are still plugging away in Microsoft Frontpage or Notepad, it’s time to think about getting yourself a real tool to work in. I found phpDesigner pro through one of the Joomla forums and fell in love with it immediately.
Now, I am not a coder. Ask me to write something from scratch and you can pretty much forget it unless it’s HTML (or a poem). But I am fairly skilled in the art of reverse-engineering. Meaning, I can take someone else’s code, figure out how it works, and modify it to suit my specific needs. But to do this, I need a clean work environment, an intuitive interface and a stable program.
phpDesigner gives me all that and more. With “intelligent syntax highlighting” it’s super fast to scan through the code to find the section I’m looking for and super difficult to leave a section of incomplete code in the file. It even sports a code completion option for n00bs like me! Throw in a syntax checker and the ability to remotely edit files via ftp and you have everything you could ask for in an editor.
The folks at MPSoftware even have a completely free personal edition available for download as long as you’re only using it to tinker on your own sites and not for commercial purposes.
SmartFTP – Pretty much everyone needs a good FTP program. SmartFTP has been my favorite for years. The interface is extremely easy to use and it offers multiple panes to include a multiple local and remote browsers, a transfer queue and many other utilities. You can even preview files right inside the program window. I use this program at least twice a day every day I touch my computer. It’s a must-have on all my PC’s.
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Programs I can’t live without, take 2
Trillian – So many friends, so many instant messengers… Multi-messengers are more plentiful today than they were a couple of years ago. You know the kind I mean — one program that will let you chat with your buddies on AIM, your co-workers on MSN, your Ultima Online pals on ICQ and your boyfriend on Yahoo! instant messenger. As far back as I can remember, Trillian has been around to make chatting simpler. It’s the Yoda of cross-platform instant messengers.
Plus, for geeks like me who have a need to customize EVERYTHING, there are skins in abundance to change the look and feel of the application. The privacy settings are highly customizable as well so if you’re not speaking to your boyfriend today, it takes about two seconds to set yourself invisible to him and no one else. Trillian also has SMS and IRC support.
Firefox – Mozilla’s browser won my heart and screen real estate over two years ago on the idea of tabbed browsing alone. Little did I know I’d fall further in love with goodies in the form of extensions. The user-driven development community is as huge as the hate is for Microsoft these days. I could spend all day browsing through page after page of extensions for the browser ranging from development tools, to communication and blogging tools, to toys and games.
Reading that old post makes me laugh… part of me can’t believe it’s been two years since I wrote that and part of me can’t believe I ever browsed the web any other way. I want to mention two of my favorite extensions here as well. The View Formatted Source extension is displays formatted and color-coded source information for the page you’re viewing and, optionally, CSS info. It’s a must-have for tweaking site layout or editing a theme someone else has designed to suit your own needs. When I went to create custom design for my World of Warcraft guild’s website, I used this extension, ahem… extensively. Coupled with ColorZilla and able only to modify the header graphics and CSS due to the hosting service we use, I transformed the site from a standard out-of-the-box template that about 50 other guilds were using to a truly custom design complete with tabard-matching colors and artwork. Colorpicker creates an eyedropper tool you can use on any part of your screen to get the hexadecimal color code for that pixel. It’s a real time-saver for hacks like me.
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Give XP a facelift
I’m not sure where I get this from but I like all my computer to be special. I don’t like to be like everyone else. It would drive me nuts if I had to look at the desktop background that shipped with my computer.
I need custom desktop wallpapers, themed browsers, to design my own websites… you get the idea. And I like things to be quick and simplified. I want shortcuts to my most used folders at my fingertips and tiny little background apps that will give me information at a glance without eating up all my RAM.
Enter wincustomize.com’s ObjectDock. ObjectDock is a program that enables windows users to organize their shortcuts, programs and running tasks in a cool animated taskbar replacement. There are lots and lots of skins (and you can even make your own) and docklets (plugins) to even further customize this cool tool. It took me a little time to figure out how to manage the icons and themes (either I’m overlooking it or documentation isn’t plentiful) but once I did I was hooked.
If you have the RAM to handle it, I strongly suggest checking out all the goodies at wincustomize.com. There are tons of apps to customize the way your PC looks and functions.
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Ready for turkey
Thanksgiving is just around the corner and much to my joy, my parents have decided we’ll be having Thanksgiving dinner at their place rather than all of us running around to all the obligatory family dinners. It sounds evil, I know, to say that I don’t want to go see these people on the holiday… but it’s just so exhausting trying to make all the stops and being obligated to eat everywhere we go. And to top it off, it prevents me from getting to spend quality time with my parents and my brother, which is what I really want to do.
So this year, Mom and I will are going to cook. I can’t wait! I love to cook but it’s not something I do very often now that I’m single. For one thing, cooking for one is just difficult. Most recipes serve four at minimum which leaves me either eating the same thing for practically a week or throwing food out. Second, my “kitchen” is small. And when I say small I mean ridiculously small… it beats not having a kitchen, but to prepare a meal there would be almost impossible.
We’re going to start early on Thanksgiving morning in my parents kitchen and we’ve already started on the menu. We’ll have all the traditional Turkey-day goodies from turkey and dressing to cranberry sauce to macaroni and cheese. Okay, I have to stop now. This is making me hungry.
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Pumpkin Carving WoW-style
I’m a sucker for a holiday. It’s probably because my mom always did such a great job of making them fun for us when I was growing up. I especially remember this one time that she dressed up with us on Halloween. She was “a bum” complete with overalls, a faux beer belly fashioned out of old clothes stuffed into her overalls, a straw hat and a blacked out tooth. Trick-or-treating that year was extra fun because Mom was in the spirit and was having as much fun as we were.
The folks at Blizzard do their part to make holidays fun for WoW players. From special holiday-themed quests to decorations to special season loot and every Halloween… a pumpkin carving contest. Most of the submissions are true works of art. Seriously, the skill and attention to detail that brought about these wow-themed jack-o-lanterns is astonishing. It’s funny to see that many of the winners have won in previous years. I guess the cool prizes are worth the effort and once you know you have the skills you may as well get your name in the hat.
It seems like I am always wishing I had more time to do things like this… it’s ironic that raiding in WoW monopolizes the majority of my “free” time and prevents me from entering a WoW-themed contest. When I start making resolutions for 2008, maybe “Raid less” should be one of them.
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Time on my hands
This weekend was a perfect example of why I try to keep myself immersed in work. Time on my hands means far too much time to think; too much time to think makes me:
- angry
- bitter
- lonely
- sad
I don’t want to be nice to people. I don’t want to help anyone out. I just want someone to take care of me.
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Is it break time yet?
Wow, these next few weeks are going to be rough. With four events in six weeks and all the traveling involved, I am exhausted just thinking about it.
This weekend I have a Yu0Gi-Oh Sneak Preview and a WoW Regional Qualifier in Birmingham, AL. I’m off next weekend then it’s off to Visions in Montgomery, AL for a WoW TCG Sneak Preview event on 11-17, followed by Thanksgiving, then back to Birmingham the next weekend for Yu-Gi-Oh regionals. And then, if I live that long, I will have an entire month off from working weekends and driving all over the state. Then I will be able to do my Christmas shopping and finish redecorating the upstairs of my apartment.
Speaking of the apartment, I got the new linens (need to post a pic) and they are so uncharacteristically girly. I fear the older I get the more feminine I become about a few things. And yes, I did say “fear”. Don’t get me wrong — they are not adorned with ruffles or lace. But the colors are very serene and the fabric has a silk-like texture and there may or may not be embroidered flowers about.
I took home paint chips from the store today. I’m going to tape them on the walls and see if I can FINALLY decide what colors to put where. Now if I could just get my dad in the mood to finish out those cabinets for me… One thing at a time I suppose.
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Perpetual student
I really love to learn new things. Not much compares to the feeling I get when I’m absorbed in something I am really interested in and I’m flooding myself with information. I’ve thought about going back to school many times but I can never settle on what I want to study. It’s hard for me to narrow it down to just one thing. Continuing education classes are probably better suited to my needs… a class here and there on random subjects.
Not to imply that I don’t value my education or that I’m completely convinced I’m in the wrong field. I just get bored so quickly that I bounce around to different things and wonder if maybe I did choose the wrong path. Lately, I think I should have majored in something computer-related. I’m old enough that most of my college work was done on an electronic word processor and not a computer (that thing was pretty nifty actually… had a small LCD screen and I could save to floppies).
I took a basic (not BASIC) programming class in high school but outside of that, everything I know I taught myself. And honestly, I know a pretty good bit for someone who has never had any formal training. But that’s just how I operate. I wanted to build myself a simple website the summer after I graduated from college so I bought “HTML for Dummies” and learned how. HTML became dated so I learned what I know about PHP and MySQL from installing and customizing web applications like phpBB, Joomla and OsCommerce. And then there’s hardware… I’m still mostly a novice when it comes to actually building machines, but it’s something I want to know more about.
The internet was created for people like me. It still amazes me that there’s rarely a question that can’t be answered by doing a Google search. I wrote a paper my last year of college (my actual major was in Communication Arts) about an all-in-one box that would combine computer, tv and phone and every new development gets us closer to that reality.
Maybe I didn’t choose the wrong field. Maybe I’m just an intense hobbyist. Or maybe I’m just a geek.
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Let it go already
I really need to learn to let the little things go. I don’t know why I let myself get so frustrated and stressed at things I can’t control and that really shouldn’t matter anyway. Life is full of ups and downs. I know this. Only a select few (please tell me how they get selected) get to stroll through life without drama or distress.
A large part of how I react to things is genetic. Historically, my family is made up of a bunch of worriers. We stress. We hold things in. We have ulcers and migraines. I really want to learn how to stop doing this. I have enough big problems to worry about without bogging myself down with the small stuff.
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Lost and found
Ambling around in a world of identical people,
my search had always been for someone who was not.
The roar of heartbeats and breath and meaningless conversation
drowned out anything of significance — until I found you.
Your words were rations for my starving heart.
The mob lost its power as we danced among them, finally within reach.
I held onto you a like a girl-child in a field of daisies… spinning around,
faster and faster until I could feel it happening but I couldn’t stop it.
I can’t recall if you let me go or I you but I do remember with perfect clarity
exactly how it felt when your fingertips slipped from mine.
I called out for you but the noise only grew stronger until you couldn’t hear.
And the crowd seeped in between us and once again I was lost.
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Humbug
I keep writing paragraph after paragraph and then deleting it.
The fact is that I have about a hundred thoughts in my head this week and they’re all connected — but I can’t manage to put them together in a way that would make sense to anyone other than me.
This week has been hard and lonely. I really hate the holidays which just makes me sad. I used to be such a force at Christmas time but these past few years all I really want is for it to be over.
I hate being single at the family gatherings where I am surrounded by all my cousins and their spouses and their kids. I’m glad they’re happy but it’s just so hard to sit there and pretend like I am when all I can really think about is how much it’s going to suck to go home and fall asleep alone on Christmas Eve.
And I think I’m only getting worse as times goes on. I didn’t even put up my tiny little tree this year. I haven’t bought a single gift. I helped my mom string lights on the fence and that’s been the extent of my festivities.
It shouldn’t be like this. And yet, this is exactly how it is.
Again.
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Tonight
I hate the limitations of my humanity.
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Sometimes
Sometimes I think I have things figured out.
Other times, it’s painfully obvious that I don’t.
Sometimes I think I am growing and evolving and
discovering parts of myself I never knew were there.
Other times, I can’t believe how much I’ve stayed the same.
Sometimes I close my eyes and wish that I could disappear somewhere,
reinvent myself, become someone else overnight.
Other times, I curse myself for those thoughts because I am happy with who I’ve become.
There’s something I keep looking for and not finding…
a void in my life that I thought the right person could fill.
But what if I am searching for a fantasy that will never become reality?
And what if that’s true because of my own limitations, because of my scars,
because of my walls?
How then, do I attain that completeness I want so terribly?
And do I even keep searching for it when all my hope could be false hope?
I want to understand these things… to understand myself.
I still want what I want but at what cost do I seek it out?
I remember why the walls are up.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to tear them down.
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Today’s horoscope
The pace of your life is a lot faster than you may realize right now. Your unconscious speed may not be bothering you, but it might be bothering the people in your life. This go-go attitude of yours might be sending out the wrong message — a vibe that says you’re not willing to wait for anyone else to catch up, that says you’ve got too many important things to do. But that’s not really true, is it? Make sure you’re in step with everyone else right now. You could use the company!
Actually, I realize exactly how fast the pace of my life is and I am doing so many things right now to try and slow it down. It may not be spring but things are blooming all around me and I want nothing more to have time to stop and take them in.
damaged calm 