Category Archives: Relationships

NaBloPoMo: Roots (June 2013), Relationships

Dear J: It’s Your Turn

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So I’m struggling with what to write tonight which is funny because I’ve been so motivated to write lately that I have a list of at least half a dozen entries rolling around in my head… all of them half-written up there and just waiting to be finished up on the keyboard. I’ve been sitting here for over an hour, opening and closing post after post, and just not finding the words. I’m really excited about NaBloPoMo and I love that it’s giving me an excuse to take the time to write every day but I’m taking a minute to remind myself the reason I love to write.

A burden shared is lightened, right? That has always been the reason I write. Tonight my mind and my heart are heavy from the loss of a beloved pet. J is not here and I really need him to be. I feel this overwhelming need to write a positive post about him (it’s one of the drafts I couldn’t finish) because the entries so far on our back story don’t put him in the most favorable light. I feel guilty about that. I want people to understand WHY I love him… why I stay. For now I will just say that he has many, many good qualities and the good far outweighs the bad. But still it’s eating at me… the thinking that someone is reading these posts and judging me. Or even worse, judging him. Continue reading Dear J: It’s Your Turn →

NaBloPoMo: Roots (June 2013), Relationships

His (Real) Deepest, Darkest Secret

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topsecret

This is a continuation of yesterday’s post titled Park the Car. I’m participating in BlogHer’s NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) and this month’s theme is roots. This series of posts chronicles my relationship with the love of my life, referred to here as J.

J met my parents and my brother that night and he was a hit. Sitting there on the sofa beside my dad he asked, “So… when are you shacking up?” J and I had barely discussed it but I guess the chemistry between us was obvious. And I had not introduced them to anyone I’d dated since I was 19 years old. The only answer dear old Dad got was a coy smile but he knew.

We didn’t drop the bombshell about J’s past on them that night. He made clear that he wanted to tell them himself… not have them find out in any other way. But I wanted to wait. I wanted them to love him first, like I did, so they would understand. Continue reading His (Real) Deepest, Darkest Secret →

Relationships

Park The Car

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gearshifter It took me two dates to love him, three weeks to learn what he called his deepest, darkest secret, five weeks to move in with him and six weeks to learn his (real) deepest, darkest secret.

We were “in liquidation” at work. I managed a retail location for one of the now-defunct movie rental chains. I was working, at minimum, 60 hours a week and on my way to being unemployed. And I had never been happier in my life. A few short weeks earlier I had met a man. And not just any man… the man. I was over-the-moon in love for the first time in fifteen years. I hadn’t quite put my finger on what it was about him yet but I knew he was very different from any other guy I had dated before. Boy did I have that right… Continue reading Park The Car →

Relationships

The dreams

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sleepless

The dreams started about a week ago which is odd because he’d been gone over a month at that point… if I were to psychoanalyze them it would be easy to see that they have all been about abandonment and/or fear of things I cannot control. Big surprise there. To say I have issues with things beyond my control would be an understatement at best. Even so, I’m surprised at the shear terror that has accompanied these nightmares. I wake up with tears streaming down my face. My heart is racing and, having had panic attacks before, acutely aware that I am on the verge of crossing that line. I always sit up, turn on the light and look around the room. But for what? Him, of course. Still half-asleep and equally dazed, still not fully back in the real world I detest so much when he is not in this house with me. I scan the room and it all sinks in. It only takes seconds, really but there are so many thoughts and emotions in those few seconds that it just feels longer. Then I look at his side of the bed… his pillow… the space where his shoulder should be and I take a deep breath, resigning my heart to the truth yet again. I roll over and snuggle up on this pillow, imagining my head on his shoulder– the only place I ever truly rest. I can almost feel his strong arm wrap around me and pull me closer to him… his fingers in my hair… I close my eyes and try to picture his face exactly as it looks from that angle. I can feel the burn as the tears try to start again. I will them back in. It won’t change anything… won’t make me feel better… won’t bring him back.

And now I feel a little guilty because if anyone is actually reading this, they are going to think you have left this life… that you have died. I did not intend to be quite so dramatic but you know how I am when the words start flowing. But I have to defend myself by saying that it’s all true. Every word. And it absolutely feels like I am grieving. I have lost. We both have.

So I close my eyes and pray the sleep comes quickly and that this time there are no nightmares… only the sweet, peaceful sleep of someone who knows what it means to truly love and be loved. And I pray that his dreams are plentiful and just as sweet.

Life or something like it, Relationships

New traditions are good, too

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The holidays are all about tradition in my family. We visit one grandmother at one very specific time and the other side of the family at another. We eat the same dinner, play the same games, exchange the same gifts, tell the same stories. There’s something comforting about going into an evening knowing exactly what to expect, I suppose. But what happens when time or distance or circumstances threatens these traditional activities? Continue reading New traditions are good, too →

Relationships

Just a Technicality

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My significant other, whom I regularly refer to as my husband is, in fact, not technically my husband. We’ve never stood in front of a preacher or a judge and spoken vows; we don’t have an official-looking document from the county making our union legal and we don’t have an album full of staged “candid” photos. But seriously… that’s just a technicality. Continue reading Just a Technicality →

Life or something like it, Relationships

He Was Out There

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Once upon a time, I believed in love. Don’t misinterpret that though… I was never one of those girls who put a pillowcase on her head as a stand-in for a bridal veil. My dolls were my students or my co-workers… never my children. Most everything my parents did in the way of parenting was to ensure I’d grow up smart — not pretty or popular. In spite of all that, somewhere, in the back of my mind, I grew up believing in the fairy tale… true love… what I saw in my parents and grandparents every day. Continue reading He Was Out There →

Relationships

The Big Good

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Valentine’s Day tests me every year, regardless of whether or not I actually have a Valentine. It reminds me of all the things I hate about being a girl. It reminds me of how helpless we are against emotions and how impossible it is for our brains to overrule our hearts. Basic concepts of my world such as logic and reason are completely overpowered by… what? The unrelenting need for “the big good.” Continue reading The Big Good →

Life or something like it, Relationships

Only after disaster can we be resurrected…

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“Only after disaster can we be resurrected.”

That’s a great quote from a fabulous book/movie. It’s my sig on a couple of forums and I feel like I should be wearing a tee-shirt with it printed on the front lately. I feel I’m at the proverbial rock-bottom of life. I’m struggling to sleep and to wake, to work and to play, to laugh and to cry… Nothing feels good or right and I need someone to pick me up and hold me.

I just prayed for the first time in a long time. My hands are trembling and I finally cried.

It has to be uphill from here right?

Relationships

Time on my hands

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This weekend was a perfect example of why I try to keep myself immersed in work. Time on my hands means far too much time to think; too much time to think makes me:

  • angry
  • bitter
  • lonely
  • sad

I don’t want to be nice to people. I don’t want to help anyone out. I just want someone to take care of me.

Relationships

Lost and found

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Ambling around in a world of identical people,
my search had always been for someone who was not.
The roar of heartbeats and breath and meaningless conversation
drowned out anything of significance — until I found you.
Your words were rations for my starving heart.
The mob lost its power as we danced among them, finally within reach.
I held onto you a like a girl-child in a field of daisies… spinning around,
faster and faster until I could feel it happening but I couldn’t stop it.
I can’t recall if you let me go or I you but I do remember with perfect clarity
exactly how it felt when your fingertips slipped from mine.
I called out for you but the noise only grew stronger until you couldn’t hear.
And the crowd seeped in between us and once again I was lost.

Relationships

Humbug

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I keep writing paragraph after paragraph and then deleting it.

The fact is that I have about a hundred thoughts in my head this week and they’re all connected — but I can’t manage to put them together in a way that would make sense to anyone other than me.

This week has been hard and lonely. I really hate the holidays which just makes me sad. I used to be such a force at Christmas time but these past few years all I really want is for it to be over.

I hate being single at the family gatherings where I am surrounded by all my cousins and their spouses and their kids. I’m glad they’re happy but it’s just so hard to sit there and pretend like I am when all I can really think about is how much it’s going to suck to go home and fall asleep alone on Christmas Eve.

And I think I’m only getting worse as times goes on. I didn’t even put up my tiny little tree this year. I haven’t bought a single gift. I helped my mom string lights on the fence and that’s been the extent of my festivities.

It shouldn’t be like this. And yet, this is exactly how it is.

Again.

Relationships

Sometimes

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Sometimes I think I have things figured out.
Other times, it’s painfully obvious that I don’t.
Sometimes I think I am growing and evolving and
discovering parts of myself I never knew were there.
Other times, I can’t believe how much I’ve stayed the same.
Sometimes I close my eyes and wish that I could disappear somewhere,
reinvent myself, become someone else overnight.
Other times, I curse myself for those thoughts because I am happy with who I’ve become.

There’s something I keep looking for and not finding…
a void in my life that I thought the right person could fill.
But what if I am searching for a fantasy that will never become reality?
And what if that’s true because of my own limitations, because of my scars,
because of my walls?

How then, do I attain that completeness I want so terribly?
And do I even keep searching for it when all my hope could be false hope?
I want to understand these things… to understand myself.
I still want what I want but at what cost do I seek it out?

I remember why the walls are up.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to tear them down.

Relationships

Once upon a time…

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Once upon a time there was a peasant girl who dreamed of a different life. Her mind and body did what was expected while her soul burned for something more. For most of her life she had not known what that something was; she only knew she was unfulfilled.

One day a seer visited the village and although her fear was almost petrifying, she somehow willed her feet to move and stood before him. His gift was strong and it took only a touch of her hand for him to know her. With eyes closed, her thoughts, fears and aspirations filled his mind. He felt her hand pull away and opened his eyes to catch a glimpse of her dress fanning behind her as she bolted away.

As he went about conducting his business over the next few days, thoughts of that frightened girl continued to sneak into the furthest reaches of his mind. He knew without question what her heart desired. Life had taken its toll on her and he knew that as well. But he was also confident that she knew these things.

So why then, had she come to him? Hope. Only the slightest glimmer would be enough to keep her going, to allow herself to reach out, to open up…

As the end of the week rushed upon him, he boxed up the tools of his trade, scanning the faces in the crowd as he packed them onto his carriage. A rustle behind him caught his ear and he turned to see her turning the corner, walking away again. Two steps toward her bring them almost face-to-face as she has changed direction yet again.

She is broken and weak. She is terrified. Her heart cries out silently, and only he has the gift to hear it.

He takes her hand and starts to speak. This time she lets him. “You can have it,” he whispers.

“Thank you,” she cries. “You have given me all that I need to make it mine.”

Life or something like it, Relationships

Too many “takers”

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Most of the time lately I feel like one (or both) of these two things. What is up with so many people in the world being “takers”? Is there no one left who actually enjoys doing things for those they care about? Or, are there others out there, I am just unfortunate in that I don’t know any of them?

For example, my co-worker (there are only two of us who run the store here) has been out of town for two weeks. Which means, I’ve had the store on my own for that amount of time. This means I have to think of every possible situation that could arise and prepare for it before I open the store each day. If I run out of ones in the register, I’m screwed… folks are getting quarters back for change. If I miss the mailman with our outgoing packages, I have to lock up the store for 10 minutes while I run them to the post office. If I don’t buy food, I have to be hungry. So one day last week, the mailman ran early and I had a ton of packages to ship out. And these eBay folks take their auctions seriously so there’s not putting it off til the next day. A very close friend of mine is here at the store as I package everything up and complain about having to lock up to take them to the post office. He leaves for work (where he only works 3 hours a day, btw) and proceeds to call me around 15 minutes later asking if I’ve gone yet because if I haven’t he wants me to go to the store to pick him up a pack of smokes! Nevermind that he could have offered to drop those packages off for me. Nevermind that I was having to close my store in the middle of the day to do it. Nevermind that he only has to work 3 hours a day.

Or, for another example, the guy I’m seeing (who shall, from this point forward, be known as KB) had a birthday last weekend. He’d asked for a special gift (there was an “outfit” involved) and I was happy to oblige. I went to LOTS of trouble to find the perfect outfit with all the right accessories and details. We had planned to get together to celebrate on Saturday night (the day before his birthday) for several reasons, none of which are all that interesting so I’ll skip that part. Anyway, at the last minute on Saturday night, he gets invited to a bachelor party, says he feels “obligated” to go, so he blows me off to go get really drunk and get multiple lapdances from the stripper. Which I get to hear about IN DETAIL when he gets back as the guys who went share their stories with those who didn’t go. First of all, I don’t enjoy being around people who are really drunk unless I am too. It’s just irritating. Second, our relationship is strained right now because of circumstances that make me less than confident so I really don’t want to be hearing about any stripper. Third, I went to A LOT of trouble for this birthday thing and to just be blown off as if it was nothing really hurt me. I know it was his birthday but I could go my whole life without knowing he’d drop me like that. Anyway, I sucked it up and got together with him after the party and it was great fun (of course it was fun; how can it not be fun when there are outfits?) but I can’t deny that the whole thing left me feeling used.

And I guess that’s the point of this post. I’m not a user. I don’t take people for granted. I appreciate even the smallest gestures made by others. So what the hell is wrong with everyone else? I’m pretty sure it’s my turn now.

Life or something like it, Relationships

It’s Like, You Know…

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I know it’s been way too long since I’ve posted anything here. I’ve been doing some re-grouping as most people do this time of year. And here’s one thing I’ve learned: posting here, perhaps, makes me a bit too introspective. I firmly believe that self-awareness is a good thing, but I need to better learn how to achieve that self-awareness without absolutely dwelling on certain aspects of my life that, more often than not, make me unhappy. So hopefully I will be able to post here more often, and actually make myself feel better rather than worse.

To catch you up… a few things that have happened during my AWOL period:

  • The dog has taken to running out the back gate every time I leave the house and it’s driving me crazy.
  • My grandfather passed away. He was 84 but basically in good health so it was a bit of a shock. He went in for some heart surgery, which he survived, but we lost him when they tried to take him off the machines in recovery. We buried him last week, complete with all the appropriate bells and whistles for an honored WWII veteran.
  • The wipers on my car have mysteriously stopped working. We had our first snow/ice of the season a couple of weeks ago and I thought they were just frozen, but it’s 70 degrees this week and they still won’t work. Of course, this is happening now, as my car is recently paid off.
  • There has been discussion of selling The Store. I really don’t want this to happen for several reasons, not the least of which is that I’ve had enough change for a while and I’d like things to just sort of “stay” for a while.

And because I was absent and missed the day we all did resolutions…
In 2005, I resolve:

  • to quit smoking. By June30th.
  • to lose 50 pounds. Which leads me to the next resolution
  • to run 3 times a week. Got new running shoes for Christmas, so I’m ready.
  • to increase my monthly billing for Kim’s Lilypad x2.
  • to learn how to do more with my beautiful guitar than just look good holding it.
Relationships, Technology

Book Deal

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I’d never read Breakup Babe’s site until today. But Blogger had this to say about her on the Dashboard page:

Having your heart repeatdly broken, evidently, can be rewarding. Congratulations to our very own Breakup Babe. She just got a book deal with Random House based on her blog. The book will be called Breaking Up, Blogging On. Well done!

The last book I read by a fellow blogger was Why Girls Are Weird by Pamie. It was such a fun story that I stayed up all night reading so I look forward to my next bit of Blogger lit.

Life or something like it, Relationships

Scary

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You represent... loneliness.

You represent… loneliness.

Always alone and always sad about it… unlike

angst, you don’t have to look for a reason to

be miserable. You want to be in the company of

people but aren’t sure how to act when you’re

with them. Sometimes you have to make an

effort. You can’t always wait for others to

come to you.

What feeling do you represent?

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