Category Archives: Life or something like it

Life or something like it

Stop the Insanity

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When did it become attractive for a woman not to have boobs? And no butt? And no curves at all? I recall beginning to hear the term “heroine chic” with regard to runway models a few years back and then these girls slowly overtook all my favorite television shows. These girls who, when they strip down for the obligatory on-screen nakedness (as they inevitably do), I can count their ribs… They wear tiny little tee shirts that look like they were made for elementary school girls. Their arms and wrists are so small I’m afraid they’re going to pop and break at any second. It’s disgusting. And I’m sick of it. We are force-fed these images of what women are supposed to look like to the extent that men find nothing else attractive. They watch movies like The Girl Next Door with its strip club scene and Elisha Cuthbert’s bedroom window sideshow and then they walk out into the real world and expect to find a girl like that. This week’s episode of One Tree Hill featured high school girls doing a lingerie fashion show for one another. Smallville’s over-the-top contribution consisted of an ugly duckling with an incredibly bad case of acne who had excessive cosmetic surgery in order to transform herself into a beautiful swan. It took about two seconds from the time she walked into the high school for the boys to be swarming around her. Now I understand that men want a hot woman. But what has become the standard for “hot” makes me sick. A regular girl doesn’t stand a chance with guys who have been conditioned in this way. And what it’s done to the men is not the worst part.

It’s what it has done to us. Women have historically struggled with all types of body-image issues. In the past thirty years the terms “anorexia” and “bulimia” have gone from obscure medical conditions to common knowledge. We compare ourselves to the women in magazines and on television. Even though we know it’s not truly a fair comparison. We know there are countless factors involved in making these “ideal” women appear so. They have personal trainers and stylists and wear $300 jeans. Not to mention photographers who specialize in Photoshop touchups and airbrushing. Yet as long as we are separated from the standards that have been set by even the narrowest of margins, we feel less than. And if we’re over 25, it’s exponentially worse. My point is this: I am sick and tired of trying to be what someone else thinks I should be.

But I can’t get it out of my head.

Life or something like it

She

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She always had a joke to tell and after she delivered the punchline, the walls would quiver from her hearty laugh. She worked long hard days hemming tee-shirts in a factory and never once complained. She was a mother not unlike my own. Selfless. Strong. Sympathetic.

Friday nights throughout my childhood were spent with her, making Coke floats and watching Dallas. Every fall she would take my brother and I shopping for “Back to School clothes” and every winter she would fill her tiny living room with Christmas gifts for us all.

She drove a simple gray car and lived in a modest, aging house. The floors creaked with every step she took as she prepared a feast for us every Sunday afternoon. When the February cold whisked through the thin walls, she would leave the oven on and open the door to supplement the heat from the wood-burning stove.

She smelled of almond bark and cherries.

I never heard her speak an unkind word about another living soul, even though life had given her just cause to do so. She was the woman I hope to be someday. She was everything a grandmother should be.

And today would have been her birthday.

Life or something like it

Hauntings

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I’ve been playing the “what if” game a lot lately. I keep trying to figure out how my life got so off track. I’m second-guessing every decision I ever made — big ones, little ones, in-between ones. But mostly, it’s the big ones. For example…

What if I’d gone away to college rather than attending university right here at home?

Well, the downside would be the inevitable negative impact on my relationship with my parents and my brother. We’ve grown really close, as adults, these past few years and I know I wouldn’t have that. On the upside, I most likely would have had many more career opportunities upon graduation and would have thought a little “bigger”.

What if I’d never gotten married?

Wow. Now this one I could go on about forever. So I’ll try and just stick to the one aspect of this question that’s haunting me right now. If I had never gotten married, even if I’d gone to college locally, I so would have moved far, far away from here when I graduated. I would be in the big city somewhere with a completely different life. And the thought of that is very appealing to me right now. Very appealing.

What if I’d never gotten divorced?

Maybe that should read “What if I’d never had reason to get divorced?”. What if we’d met later in life? Or what if he’d meant his vows as much as I meant mine? Or what if I’d been the right girl? We’d be happy. In the traditional sense like my parents are happy. We’d work these ridiculously long hours like we work now, but it wouldn’t matter because at the end of the day, we’d go home together. We’d spend Sundays sleeping late and seeing a double feature at the movies. We’d take trips and talk about taking other trips. We’d make plans.

I haven’t written much lately because I’ve been in such a negative mood and I didn’t want to depress everybody else with my little pity party. It’s just that, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m a planner. And it’s so hard to sit back and look at my life now and realize that absolutely nothing is as I thought it would be. And even worse, very little is as I think it should be.

So I struggle now with decisions that should be simple ones because I’m afraid. I don’t trust my own judgment and I’m terrified that one more wrong turn will take me even further into this place I really don’t want to be in. But I know that I have to keep making the choices and taking the chances, because, one of these days, I’m going to get it right.

Life or something like it

Wind Talkers

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It feels SO fabulous outside right now. There’s this awesome warm breeze blowing because a storm’s on the way in and I keep sneaking out side for a minute here and there because it’s just so stinking NICE. It makes me wish I wasn’t at work and was sitting out on the porch with somebody drinkin’ beer, chillin’, and talking until we’d solved all the world’s problems. 🙂

Life or something like it

Wanted: A Schedule. ASAP.

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I am a Capricorn through and through. Which means I’m a little on the obsessive side. I need structure. And organization. And things to be in order. Including my time. I know it doesn’t make me seem like the most fun person in the world, but it helps me keep my sanity.

However, lately I have been totally off my schedule. I’ve been keeping weird hours and the insomia hasn’t helped either. So I just feel completely out of it. So I put this here, in writing, for all the world and my blogging buddies to see. I will figure out a more reasonable schedule for myself. I will work at least six hours sleep in there somewhere. I will make just a little time to do something fun. And I will put forth genuine effort to stick to it.

There. Sounds easy enough, right?

Entertainment, Life or something like it

My So-Called Likes

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In the grand tradition of bloggers everywhere, I offer up my first list of things I like and don’t like. I’m sure it’s incomplete and possibly, due to my current mood, heavy on the negative side. But here goes:

Things I Like:

  • Music, specifically hearing a great song for the first time and straining to commit the lyrics and the tune to memory before it reaches the end
  • My dog, Jake
  • My cats, Hershey, Sidda, and Fred the Explorer (wherever he may be)
  • Men in uniform
  • Writing with my best friend
  • Anything Joss Whedon touches, specifically Buffy, Angel, Firefly, and the upcoming Serenity feature film
  • Surprises
  • A good massage
  • Making other people happy
  • Mountain Dew, not Mountain Dew Code Red or Baja Mountain Dew or Mountain Dew Pitch Black or whatever other concoction they’ve come up with this week
  • Learning, specifically learning ANYTHING
  • Boys who play guitar
  • Girls who play guitar
  • Angelina Jolie
  • Well-written television
  • Inventive film making
  • Kevin Smith
  • Robert Rodriguez
  • People who say what they mean
  • People who mean what they say
  • Sarcasm
  • My wireless keyboard and mouse
  • The hard disk recorder (yes, it’s LIKE Tivo but it’s not Tivo; it’s better)
  • Being alone

Things I Don’t Like:

  • Selfish people
  • Lazy men
  • Taking out the trash at work
  • Reality TV
  • People who don’t appreciate the people who love them or even the fact that somebody loves them at all
  • Being taken advantage of because I like to make other people happy
  • Liars
  • Cheaters
  • People who talk and gesture while playing Pictionary (yes, I know it’s an ancient game but we still play occasionally around these parts)
  • Unfulfilled potential
  • Bad grammar
  • Misspelled words, specifically on signs in public places such as the grocery store
  • People who do not understand the correct usage of the “cent” sign and write things like “Bananas .99¢”
  • Stupidity
  • People who smell
  • Not being listened to
  • Being interrupted
  • People who talk during movies
  • People who bring babies to movies
  • Being alone
Life or something like it

Don’t you just love those days?

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You know the kind I mean… the days when you just know you look good. Of course “good” is a relative term. I’m not talking Angelina Jolie good, not movie star or supermodel good. But a day when the hair is better than average and the makeup went on just right and the color you’re wearing is just completely flattering to your complexion. And you’ve got great cleavage. It just works wonders for my mood.

Superficial, I know. But true.

Life or something like it

Ugh

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I don’t know if I’m depressed because I can’t sleep or I can’t sleep because I’m depressed. But the insomnia has struck again. Hardcore. I lie down at night and I toss and turn at least 14 thousand times. I turn the tv on and I turn it off. I try to read and I put the book down. I watch the sun come up. And I want to scream. And maybe I’m not depressed because that might be just a little too “pop psych” for me. But I’m discontent. And I want to be a mess today. But there’s nobody to clean me up.

Life or something like it, Relationships

Circle of Friends

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It seems I’ve gotten into a habit of ranting lately, so here’s a post on the positive side. I’ve realized lately that the absolute best times in my life have been those time when I had a “circle of friends.” By circle of friends, I don’t mean cool ceramic nick-nack (left), I’m talking about a group of friends who hang out together, talk together, laugh (A LOT) together, even cry together. It may sound a little on the hokey side, but if you’ve ever experienced this, you know what I’m talking about.

I’ve been blessed to have two such circles in my life. My first experience with a dynamic like this began my freshman year of college. I went to a university in my hometown and we commuters had a tendency to bond just as the residents did. I met a girl in one of my very first college classes who had gone to a rival high school in my county. We were fast friends… before I knew it we were best friends. She was maid of honor at my wedding a few years later. Anyway, I swear to this day that I had the idea for the TV show “Friends” based on my interaction with our little group. There were 3 girls and 3 guys (weird, huh?). We were all very much individuals but seemed to just click when we were together. I took my first on-my-own out-of-town trips with this bunch — including my first Spring Break in Panama City! We went to concerts. We partied. We crashed. We crammed. We recovered. All together. My best friend had a huge house really close to campus, an exceptionally cool mother we affectionately called “Aunt Martha”, and a dad who was out of town really often for work. So her house became our house. Some of my best stories are from this time in my life. Now, I’m sure this has a lot to do with the actual “time in my life” — my first year in college, first time out on my own, my first job, etc. But even so, these are people I would have done anything for and I know they felt the same about me. These are the people I was with when Kurt Kobain died. The people I couldn’t wait to tell when I got engaged. The people who played a huge part in shaping the person I am today.

My second circle has just recently broken up and I suppose that’s part of the reason for this topic. It’s so much harder to maintain friendships as we get older and even harder still to make new ones. This group was actually a group of co-workers which should tell you right there what kind of people they all are. If we’re willing to spend time together outside of work after spending 10 hours a day together, we must all be a little on the cool side. 😉 This group was different because these were “grown up” friends. Not boring. Not old. Just grown up in that they were all working at “real” jobs, trying to establish themselves (or possibly even having already established themselves) and even still trying to figure out who they were. And let me tell you, I was right there with them. Spending time together outside of work was a much-needed release from our high-pressure jobs at the newspaper and we all came to rely on our monthly get-togethers. But as all good things do, this circle of mine has pretty much come to an end. Two got married, two moved away, and I ran away (from the job, anyway). We still keep in touch, but our real time together has clearly passed.

If you’re fortunate enough to have a cirlce of friends at this very moment, take a minute right now to tell each and every one of them how fabulous they are! And I’m gonna go get a tissue, all this walking down memory lane has me a little misty.

Life or something like it

Drowning in a Sea of Testosterone

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Today I am oddly nostalgic for the good old days when I had my old job. Not that I miss the job at all but I SO miss my girlfriends.

Most of my time is spent at work these days and I work in place whose patrons are 99.9% male. I can go days without actually talking to another female and it makes me crazy (-er). I talk to my girls on the IM, but it’s just not the same.

Intelligent. Female. Conversation. Severely lacking in my life right now.

AND, I am SO jealous of everybody I know who is in love. I know it’s incredibly un-feminist, post-modern woman of me, but I want it so bad! How nice it would be to have someone who genuinely cares about me?! I’ve truly forgotten what that’s like.

😦 Crap, now I need to change my mood to “sad.”

Life or something like it, Relationships

Answers, Please

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Every time I think I’m getting myself on track something happens that COMPLETELY throws me for a loop and then, there I am again, flailing around like a fish out of water. Where exactly does the expression “older and wiser” come from? How much older do I have to be before I actually get wiser? Because, right now, I am feeling like a complete and total idiot.

Things I Don’t Understand That I Hope I Will Understand Before I’m Too Old To Care If I Understand Them:

(1) Why doesn’t hard work pay off? I’ve always heard this was true. My mom always said it. My dad always said it. “Keep that nose to the grindstone and someday you’ll be glad you did.” Bah. Humbug. Screw that. My nose has been to the freakin’ grindstone since I started first grade and where has it gotten me? Sure, I don’t work “for the man” anymore but so what? I still don’t make any money. I’m not doing what I want to be doing. My college education means crap (except for once a month when I struggle to make that stupid loan payment and then it means an upset stomach and a headache). My work experience, while quite respectable for someone my age,means diddly squat in the job I have now.

(2) Why are there so many “takers” and so few “givers”? Why are there so many people who are perfect willing to let another person go out of their way for them (no kidding, these folks will ask for anything) but have a problem with getting a soda for someone when they’re already on their way to the stupid machine anyway?

Shouldn’t our exchanges with people be more of a two way street? And people like me, who are good-hearted and easy-going by nature are such easy freakin’ targets! It doesn’t bother me one bit to do a favor for a friend. Hmph… not even just for friends. Acquaintances, even. It’s just the way I was raised and I hate that I feel like a moron sometimes for being that way. All you takers our there (you SO know who you are) should get off your collective arses and give a little back now and again.

(3) Why does the dog prefer to eat the cat food?

(4) Men. Or even better, relationships with men. Or better yet, interaction with men. Okay so there was no question there and my nifty little format of “(#) Why” just went TOTALLY out the window, but I don’t even know what question to ask. They do the complete opposite of what we need them to do exactly 99% of the time. We talk… try to tell them what we want (so that the percentage might eek down to 98%) and they pretend to listen. They nod and grunt or say something charming while trying to make the dialogue — scratch that– the monologue end as quickly as possible and then the next day the entire episode is completely erased from their memories. They want the wrong girls… they’re so wrapped up in their penises that they forget that someday, they’re gonna be old and shriveled up and wish they had somebody to make them mashed potatoes and gravy for dinner ’cause they’re false teeth hurt their gums and they don’t want anything they have to chew. They forget that one of these days, they’re gonna get fired (that’s provided they’re one of the men who actually work for a living) and feel worthless and emasculated and they’re gonna want somebody to remind them just how Almonso (read “Manly”) they really are. Or maybe it’s not that they forget these things… maybe it’s that they never even think about them in the first place. Yep, that’s gotta be it.

Okay, so that’s my short list. It is now officially 5am and it’s time to stop before this rant throws me into a total depression.

Oh yeah, and by the way… If anybody knows the answers to any of these questions, I’d appreciate being let in on the secret(s).