Category Archives: Humor

Humor

There must be a maximum IQ

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Seriously. What is going on in the world when I can’t run down the street to Mickey D’s without needing a Xanax?

I make a lot of fast food runs every week because we work really long days at the store and, well, we eat a lot of junk food. Anyway, lately it seems that EVERY TIME I make one of these runs, I come back wanting to do violence. Seriously. Limp Bizkit is blaring in my head right now. Here’s how it went down today:

I pull up at the drive-thru and wait for it.

Cashier #1: Welcome to McDonalds, would you like to try our new Chicken Selects?

Me: No thank you. I have two separate orders, please.

Looong pause.

Cashier #1: Okay ma’am. Go ahead with your first order.

Me: I’d like three Bacon Ranch Salads. All three with grilled chicken. All three with ranch dressing.

Loooonger pause.

Cashier #1: Okay, ma’am. What kind of salad was that?

Me: Bacon Ranch. Three Bacon Ranch Salads.

Cashier #1: And do you want the chicken grilled or crispy?

Me: Grilled.

Cashier #1: Okay, grilled chicken on the first. What about the other two?

Me: All three with grilled chicken and ranch dressing.

Cashier #1: And what kind of dressing do you want?

Me: Ranch on all three.

Cashier #1: Okay, I have three bacon ranch salads with grilled chicken and ranch dressing. Will that be all for you today?

Me: That’s it.

Cashier #1: Your total is $24.86. Please pull up to the first window.

Me: Did you say twenty-four dollars?

Cashier #1: Yes ma’am. $24.86.

Me: For three salads?

Cashier #1: Yes ma’am.

Me: Are you sure?

Cashier #1: Yes ma’am.

Me: They’re four dollars and thirty cents a piece.

Cashier #1: Well, that’s what it say.

Me: Okay, well I don’t want three salads for twenty four dollars. So never mind then.

I pull around. Park my car and get out. At this point, I don’t know whether to laugh or smack somebody around but I’m leaning toward the latter. Clearly, the cashier had punched in the order twice. Clearly she had NOT only put in three salads. Clearly, she was mentally deficient. As I walk in the door, I see her coming around the corner, headset in plain view. She spots me and proclaims, “There she is!”

I walk up to the counter as the manager says, “How many salads did she order?” Then she looks at me.

“Three Bacon Ranch. With grilled chicken. And ranch dressing.”

“Oh! Well, she put in six.”

About that time, I remember my second order and notice another employee standing close by, leaning on the cash register.

Me: I have a second order. Can you take it?

She’s clearly thrown for a HUGE loop.

Cashier #2: Uhmm, I guess so. Hold on a minute.

She calls someone else over to help her.

My friend had asked for a 10-piece nugget meal, something I’m reasonably certain they don’t have. But I ask anyway.

Me: Do you have a ten piece nugget meal or do I need to order those items separately?

And she’s thrown for yet another loop.

Cashier #2: Uhmm, I don’t think so. Hold on a minute.

I don’t know when exactly her helper disappeared. But obviously it happened sometime in between those two questions. So I go on, trying to help her out.

Me: Just let me have a ten piece nugget and the biggest fry you have.

Her helper chimes in, “That’d be a Super Size.”

Me: Okay. And a Super Size drink.

Cashier #2: And a Big & Tasty?

{What?! Where did THAT come from?}

Me: No. No Big & Tasty.

She finally gets it punched in and then has a ridiculous amount of trouble making my change. Meanwhile, the manager has walked up, bringing my three Bacon Ranch salads. They’re all three stuffed in the same little bag, which is too full for me to carry with one hand. They bring out the bag with my second order and put a Super Size cup down on the counter as well. Cashier #2 picks up the cup, inspects it and says “That cup’s dirty” and then PUTS IT BACK DOWN! I pick it up, seeing the “dirt” and put it back on the counter and just look at her.

Cashier #2: You want another one?

Me: Yeah. I think I do.

Humor, Relationships

The Facts of Life

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So, I’m working like mad the past couple of weeks, trying to get the store site back up and I’m practically living at Mindgames and all I can think is how there are never any girls in this place. And therefore, I’m never around any girls anymore. Which means most of the guys who hang out at Mindgames are seldom (if ever) around any girls. So I’m thinking perhaps you guys could use a little insight into the female psyche from time to time. Maybe I’m wrong… maybe you guys have it all figured out. If this is this case, I implore you to enlighten your fellow geeks without worry about the potential for competition. There are plenty of girls to go around. I promise.

My best girlfriend says there are two essential facts we must all understand about life. Everything else is just details. Ready? Here they are: Fact #1: Boys are stupid (wait… don’t get offended… yet) and Fact #2: Girls are evil.

I’m not sure if I’m a 100% believer in her theory, but I will concede that it does have some merit. At least, I’ll concede that by accepting these assumptions about the opposite sex we can make our lives easier. Question: Have you ever heard a girl say, “I cannot believe he just said that to me. What was he thinking?” Answer: Boys are stupid. Question: Have you ever spent a Saturday night playing cards or the computer ’til the wee hours only to have your girl call and ask when you’re coming home? “I don’t know. Did you want me to come home now?” you say. And she comes back with, “No. It’s okay. Just play. I don’t care.” Yet, the next time you see her, she’s quiet. And subtlely pissy. Why? Answer: Girls are evil.

More on Fact #1 or “Why Boys Are Stupid”:

If the girl who gets her feelings hurt by a guy who speaks before thinking could just understand Fact #1, her life would be exponentially easier. It’s not so much that boys are stupid. It’s more that they’re ignorant. They’re ignorant about the way girls work… about what we really want. And to us, it seems incredibly stupid because what we want is perfectly clear. To us. So here are a few hints, guys:

  • We want to feel special. Yeah, I know. That sounds so after-school-special. But it’s true. We want to know that when you think of us (not girls in general, but your specific girl) that you think we’re the coolest girl you know. And yes, I am fully aware that this next statement might be construed as completely insane, but here goes:
  • We want to feel like there is nothing you’d rather be doing and no place you’d rather be, than with us. Period.
  • We want to feel pretty. Omg. I am actually laughing as I type that, but it’s true. So for crying out loud, compliment your girl. Don’t work yourself to death with it. But chances are, if you’re really into her, it won’t actually be that hard. And just so you know, the absolute best time to compliment her (read: most effective) is on the day she doesn’t look her best. Because you can be certain she’s aware of that fact. No girl is oblivious to the bad hair day (well, with the possible exception of those who are still sporting “mall bangs”) or the strategically placed pimple. Oh, and if you’re one of those rare, golden guys who will actually fall for a girl in spite of the way she looks… Say, perhaps, because she’s fun to be with or because you have random things in common or (god forbid) because she’s smart and you’re actually into that… then remember that she wants to feel pretty too. And she probably tries much harder to look nice when she leaves the house than those who were fortunate enough to be blessed with good genes. So pick something about her that you do find attractive — maybe her eyes are a great color or she has good lips or cool new shirt. One more thing, if you want major bonus points, acknowledge it when she does something different, like changing her hair, because there’s a very good chance, she left the salon wondering what you’d think.
  • Occasionally, we want you to take control. Now before your mind goes directly into the gutter, stop. Read. Comprehend. Come out of the bedroom and into, for example, the kitchen or the garage or the front yard. Fix something that’s broken (this next phrase is the key here, guys) without being asked. Or change the oil in the car. Girls go bananas over a guy who actually makes himself useful. You will find that taking this initiative from time to time will eliminate a good 90% of what is commonly known as “nagging.” I guarantee it. I further guarantee, that this course of action is the mostly likely to bring forth rewards. And I’m talking the good kind here. Feel free to let your mind wander back into the bedroom now, cause that’s where I’m headed with this.

More on Fact #2 or “Why Girls Are Evil”:

  • Because we rarely ever say what we mean. Instead we say we “don’t want to talk about it” or the ever-popular, “Nothing.” Now, if we truly believe Fact #1 why on earth would we expect you to read our minds? I’m thinking that’s a talent more often reserved for the gifted. But that’s just me.
  • As a rule, we’re much better at reading people than guys are. Which makes us better manipulators. Your typical girl will take full advantage of this fact. She will figure out what makes you tick (sadly, 9 times out of ten, it’s not that tough a call to make) and she will use it to her advantage. Very. Effectively. This is also why girls get so catty about other girls. We can smell a user a mile away. And when we do, we want her to stay at least twice that far from any guy we give a rat’s tail about. And I don’t just mean our boyfriends, but our boy friends as well. To recap, your typical girl is a master manipulator. So try to stay away from typical girls.
  • As stated above, what we want is perfectly clear to us. The evil part is this: it’s likely to change from one minute to the next. You can’t predict it. And you can’t avoid it. All I can offer you is this: Know it’s coming. And roll with it. If your girl changes ships in midstream and wants to completely screw up your plans for the night because she’s changed hers, it’s perfectly acceptable not to toss your entire night out the window to satisfy her whim. You may suffer for it for a fleeting moment, but if she’s worth your time, she’ll remember that it’s her own fault and she’ll get over. Plus, if she really cares about you, she wants you to have some time to yourself now and then. And if she’s really as smart as she thinks she is, she knows that this will only make you both happier to see each other the next time you’re together.
  • We forget that we are actual, real, fully-functioning human beings when we are not attached to a guy. It slips our minds that, before we met you, we actually did have some semblance of a life and we weren’t all that unhappy with it. We actually went out with our friends and (gasp!) enjoyed it. Be careful about bringing this one up, though. If you don’t handle it correctly she’s going to immediately jump to the conclusion that you’re trying to get rid of her.

    Okay, I guess that’s it. Anybody still reading? ;-)Next time: Embrace Your Inner Geek