Okay, it took FIVE HOURS but I finally beat the boys tonight. Yay me!
All posts by k
Fact
I do not know a single guy who appreciates his girlfriend/wife.
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My So-Called Likes
In the grand tradition of bloggers everywhere, I offer up my first list of things I like and don’t like. I’m sure it’s incomplete and possibly, due to my current mood, heavy on the negative side. But here goes:
Things I Like:
- Music, specifically hearing a great song for the first time and straining to commit the lyrics and the tune to memory before it reaches the end
- My dog, Jake
- My cats, Hershey, Sidda, and Fred the Explorer (wherever he may be)
- Men in uniform
- Writing with my best friend
- Anything Joss Whedon touches, specifically Buffy, Angel, Firefly, and the upcoming Serenity feature film
- Surprises
- A good massage
- Making other people happy
- Mountain Dew, not Mountain Dew Code Red or Baja Mountain Dew or Mountain Dew Pitch Black or whatever other concoction they’ve come up with this week
- Learning, specifically learning ANYTHING
- Boys who play guitar
- Girls who play guitar
- Angelina Jolie
- Well-written television
- Inventive film making
- Kevin Smith
- Robert Rodriguez
- People who say what they mean
- People who mean what they say
- Sarcasm
- My wireless keyboard and mouse
- The hard disk recorder (yes, it’s LIKE Tivo but it’s not Tivo; it’s better)
- Being alone
Things I Don’t Like:
- Selfish people
- Lazy men
- Taking out the trash at work
- Reality TV
- People who don’t appreciate the people who love them or even the fact that somebody loves them at all
- Being taken advantage of because I like to make other people happy
- Liars
- Cheaters
- People who talk and gesture while playing Pictionary (yes, I know it’s an ancient game but we still play occasionally around these parts)
- Unfulfilled potential
- Bad grammar
- Misspelled words, specifically on signs in public places such as the grocery store
- People who do not understand the correct usage of the “cent” sign and write things like “Bananas .99¢”
- Stupidity
- People who smell
- Not being listened to
- Being interrupted
- People who talk during movies
- People who bring babies to movies
- Being alone
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Don’t you just love those days?
You know the kind I mean… the days when you just know you look good. Of course “good” is a relative term. I’m not talking Angelina Jolie good, not movie star or supermodel good. But a day when the hair is better than average and the makeup went on just right and the color you’re wearing is just completely flattering to your complexion. And you’ve got great cleavage. It just works wonders for my mood.
Superficial, I know. But true.
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Ugh
I don’t know if I’m depressed because I can’t sleep or I can’t sleep because I’m depressed. But the insomnia has struck again. Hardcore. I lie down at night and I toss and turn at least 14 thousand times. I turn the tv on and I turn it off. I try to read and I put the book down. I watch the sun come up. And I want to scream. And maybe I’m not depressed because that might be just a little too “pop psych” for me. But I’m discontent. And I want to be a mess today. But there’s nobody to clean me up.
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The Passion of the Clerks
I can’t believe he’s doing it. One of my filmmaker heroes, Kevin Smith, is going back to the Askewniverse. He’s making a sequal to his first film, Clerks. I’m not loving the title, but I can’t wait to see where he goes with this. Smith is, in my opinion, a more gifted writer than director so I am anxious to see where he takes these characters we met 10 YEARS AGO and what mysteries of life they’ll be dissecting now.
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There must be a maximum IQ
Seriously. What is going on in the world when I can’t run down the street to Mickey D’s without needing a Xanax?
I make a lot of fast food runs every week because we work really long days at the store and, well, we eat a lot of junk food. Anyway, lately it seems that EVERY TIME I make one of these runs, I come back wanting to do violence. Seriously. Limp Bizkit is blaring in my head right now. Here’s how it went down today:
I pull up at the drive-thru and wait for it.
Cashier #1: Welcome to McDonalds, would you like to try our new Chicken Selects?
Me: No thank you. I have two separate orders, please.
Looong pause.
Cashier #1: Okay ma’am. Go ahead with your first order.
Me: I’d like three Bacon Ranch Salads. All three with grilled chicken. All three with ranch dressing.
Loooonger pause.
Cashier #1: Okay, ma’am. What kind of salad was that?
Me: Bacon Ranch. Three Bacon Ranch Salads.
Cashier #1: And do you want the chicken grilled or crispy?
Me: Grilled.
Cashier #1: Okay, grilled chicken on the first. What about the other two?
Me: All three with grilled chicken and ranch dressing.
Cashier #1: And what kind of dressing do you want?
Me: Ranch on all three.
Cashier #1: Okay, I have three bacon ranch salads with grilled chicken and ranch dressing. Will that be all for you today?
Me: That’s it.
Cashier #1: Your total is $24.86. Please pull up to the first window.
Me: Did you say twenty-four dollars?
Cashier #1: Yes ma’am. $24.86.
Me: For three salads?
Cashier #1: Yes ma’am.
Me: Are you sure?
Cashier #1: Yes ma’am.
Me: They’re four dollars and thirty cents a piece.
Cashier #1: Well, that’s what it say.
Me: Okay, well I don’t want three salads for twenty four dollars. So never mind then.
I pull around. Park my car and get out. At this point, I don’t know whether to laugh or smack somebody around but I’m leaning toward the latter. Clearly, the cashier had punched in the order twice. Clearly she had NOT only put in three salads. Clearly, she was mentally deficient. As I walk in the door, I see her coming around the corner, headset in plain view. She spots me and proclaims, “There she is!”
I walk up to the counter as the manager says, “How many salads did she order?” Then she looks at me.
“Three Bacon Ranch. With grilled chicken. And ranch dressing.”
“Oh! Well, she put in six.”
About that time, I remember my second order and notice another employee standing close by, leaning on the cash register.
Me: I have a second order. Can you take it?
She’s clearly thrown for a HUGE loop.
Cashier #2: Uhmm, I guess so. Hold on a minute.
She calls someone else over to help her.
My friend had asked for a 10-piece nugget meal, something I’m reasonably certain they don’t have. But I ask anyway.
Me: Do you have a ten piece nugget meal or do I need to order those items separately?
And she’s thrown for yet another loop.
Cashier #2: Uhmm, I don’t think so. Hold on a minute.
I don’t know when exactly her helper disappeared. But obviously it happened sometime in between those two questions. So I go on, trying to help her out.
Me: Just let me have a ten piece nugget and the biggest fry you have.
Her helper chimes in, “That’d be a Super Size.”
Me: Okay. And a Super Size drink.
Cashier #2: And a Big & Tasty?
{What?! Where did THAT come from?}
Me: No. No Big & Tasty.
She finally gets it punched in and then has a ridiculous amount of trouble making my change. Meanwhile, the manager has walked up, bringing my three Bacon Ranch salads. They’re all three stuffed in the same little bag, which is too full for me to carry with one hand. They bring out the bag with my second order and put a Super Size cup down on the counter as well. Cashier #2 picks up the cup, inspects it and says “That cup’s dirty” and then PUTS IT BACK DOWN! I pick it up, seeing the “dirt” and put it back on the counter and just look at her.
Cashier #2: You want another one?
Me: Yeah. I think I do.
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The Facts of Life
So, I’m working like mad the past couple of weeks, trying to get the store site back up and I’m practically living at Mindgames and all I can think is how there are never any girls in this place. And therefore, I’m never around any girls anymore. Which means most of the guys who hang out at Mindgames are seldom (if ever) around any girls. So I’m thinking perhaps you guys could use a little insight into the female psyche from time to time. Maybe I’m wrong… maybe you guys have it all figured out. If this is this case, I implore you to enlighten your fellow geeks without worry about the potential for competition. There are plenty of girls to go around. I promise.
My best girlfriend says there are two essential facts we must all understand about life. Everything else is just details. Ready? Here they are: Fact #1: Boys are stupid (wait… don’t get offended… yet) and Fact #2: Girls are evil.
I’m not sure if I’m a 100% believer in her theory, but I will concede that it does have some merit. At least, I’ll concede that by accepting these assumptions about the opposite sex we can make our lives easier. Question: Have you ever heard a girl say, “I cannot believe he just said that to me. What was he thinking?” Answer: Boys are stupid. Question: Have you ever spent a Saturday night playing cards or the computer ’til the wee hours only to have your girl call and ask when you’re coming home? “I don’t know. Did you want me to come home now?” you say. And she comes back with, “No. It’s okay. Just play. I don’t care.” Yet, the next time you see her, she’s quiet. And subtlely pissy. Why? Answer: Girls are evil.
More on Fact #1 or “Why Boys Are Stupid”:
If the girl who gets her feelings hurt by a guy who speaks before thinking could just understand Fact #1, her life would be exponentially easier. It’s not so much that boys are stupid. It’s more that they’re ignorant. They’re ignorant about the way girls work… about what we really want. And to us, it seems incredibly stupid because what we want is perfectly clear. To us. So here are a few hints, guys:
- We want to feel special. Yeah, I know. That sounds so after-school-special. But it’s true. We want to know that when you think of us (not girls in general, but your specific girl) that you think we’re the coolest girl you know. And yes, I am fully aware that this next statement might be construed as completely insane, but here goes:
- We want to feel like there is nothing you’d rather be doing and no place you’d rather be, than with us. Period.
- We want to feel pretty. Omg. I am actually laughing as I type that, but it’s true. So for crying out loud, compliment your girl. Don’t work yourself to death with it. But chances are, if you’re really into her, it won’t actually be that hard. And just so you know, the absolute best time to compliment her (read: most effective) is on the day she doesn’t look her best. Because you can be certain she’s aware of that fact. No girl is oblivious to the bad hair day (well, with the possible exception of those who are still sporting “mall bangs”) or the strategically placed pimple. Oh, and if you’re one of those rare, golden guys who will actually fall for a girl in spite of the way she looks… Say, perhaps, because she’s fun to be with or because you have random things in common or (god forbid) because she’s smart and you’re actually into that… then remember that she wants to feel pretty too. And she probably tries much harder to look nice when she leaves the house than those who were fortunate enough to be blessed with good genes. So pick something about her that you do find attractive — maybe her eyes are a great color or she has good lips or cool new shirt. One more thing, if you want major bonus points, acknowledge it when she does something different, like changing her hair, because there’s a very good chance, she left the salon wondering what you’d think.
- Occasionally, we want you to take control. Now before your mind goes directly into the gutter, stop. Read. Comprehend. Come out of the bedroom and into, for example, the kitchen or the garage or the front yard. Fix something that’s broken (this next phrase is the key here, guys) without being asked. Or change the oil in the car. Girls go bananas over a guy who actually makes himself useful. You will find that taking this initiative from time to time will eliminate a good 90% of what is commonly known as “nagging.” I guarantee it. I further guarantee, that this course of action is the mostly likely to bring forth rewards. And I’m talking the good kind here. Feel free to let your mind wander back into the bedroom now, cause that’s where I’m headed with this.
More on Fact #2 or “Why Girls Are Evil”:
Okay, I guess that’s it. Anybody still reading? ;-)Next time: Embrace Your Inner Geek
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Circle of Friends
It seems I’ve gotten into a habit of ranting lately, so here’s a post on the positive side. I’ve realized lately that the absolute best times in my life have been those time when I had a “circle of friends.” By circle of friends, I don’t mean cool ceramic nick-nack (left), I’m talking about a group of friends who hang out together, talk together, laugh (A LOT) together, even cry together. It may sound a little on the hokey side, but if you’ve ever experienced this, you know what I’m talking about.
I’ve been blessed to have two such circles in my life. My first experience with a dynamic like this began my freshman year of college. I went to a university in my hometown and we commuters had a tendency to bond just as the residents did. I met a girl in one of my very first college classes who had gone to a rival high school in my county. We were fast friends… before I knew it we were best friends. She was maid of honor at my wedding a few years later. Anyway, I swear to this day that I had the idea for the TV show “Friends” based on my interaction with our little group. There were 3 girls and 3 guys (weird, huh?). We were all very much individuals but seemed to just click when we were together. I took my first on-my-own out-of-town trips with this bunch — including my first Spring Break in Panama City! We went to concerts. We partied. We crashed. We crammed. We recovered. All together. My best friend had a huge house really close to campus, an exceptionally cool mother we affectionately called “Aunt Martha”, and a dad who was out of town really often for work. So her house became our house. Some of my best stories are from this time in my life. Now, I’m sure this has a lot to do with the actual “time in my life” — my first year in college, first time out on my own, my first job, etc. But even so, these are people I would have done anything for and I know they felt the same about me. These are the people I was with when Kurt Kobain died. The people I couldn’t wait to tell when I got engaged. The people who played a huge part in shaping the person I am today.
My second circle has just recently broken up and I suppose that’s part of the reason for this topic. It’s so much harder to maintain friendships as we get older and even harder still to make new ones. This group was actually a group of co-workers which should tell you right there what kind of people they all are. If we’re willing to spend time together outside of work after spending 10 hours a day together, we must all be a little on the cool side. 😉 This group was different because these were “grown up” friends. Not boring. Not old. Just grown up in that they were all working at “real” jobs, trying to establish themselves (or possibly even having already established themselves) and even still trying to figure out who they were. And let me tell you, I was right there with them. Spending time together outside of work was a much-needed release from our high-pressure jobs at the newspaper and we all came to rely on our monthly get-togethers. But as all good things do, this circle of mine has pretty much come to an end. Two got married, two moved away, and I ran away (from the job, anyway). We still keep in touch, but our real time together has clearly passed.
If you’re fortunate enough to have a cirlce of friends at this very moment, take a minute right now to tell each and every one of them how fabulous they are! And I’m gonna go get a tissue, all this walking down memory lane has me a little misty.
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Trailers ‘R’ Me
One of my absolute favorite things about my very first “real” job (I pretty much ran a low-power tv station by myself!) was getting to cut together cool promos for these classic movies we showed every Monday night. And I’m talking classics here like God’s Little Acre with Michael Landon and Buddy Hackett and Charade with the fabulous Audrey Hepburn and Cary Grant. I always loved pulling out of context the most obscure bits from these movies and throwing them back together in a completely new context with clever narration (well, I thought it was clever anyway) that really flowed. These days I’m not getting to do any work in that vein so I feed my love for it by over-analyzing the montages at the beginning of my favorite tv shows (what’s left of them) and watching tons of movie trailers. A couple of really great ones hit the web recently so I thought I’d share (in no particular order):
- Spider-Man 2
- The Punisher
- Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
- Alien vs. Predator (internet exclusive)
- The Day After Tomorrow (Watch closely for a glimpse of fellow Southern girl Sela Ward)
- 13 Going on 30
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Never done that before
Tonight I learned how to remove components from the innards of a pc tower. I’m talking about unhooking things from the power supply and from the motherboard and pulling it right out of there! This was a completely new experience for me as I have never actually cracked open a computer before. It actually was kind of cool, except for having to hold that teensie little screwdriver with my carpal tunnel-ed hands. Regardless, I feel much smarter and even more a geek than ever before which, in my eyes is a good thing.
This blogging thing is really getting out of hand, btw. I am feeding my OCD with it by searching out the coolest and most clever blogs and sharing them here. Plus, I now feel I must have the niftiest of the nifty goodies such as the comment/trackback system from HaloScan and I’m working on the whole Blogrolling thing.
The screenplay has come to a screeching halt this week as Monica and I have both been swamped with work. But Monday should bring another work-session and hopefully bring us closer to having it completed. The first one will always be dear to my heart, but objectively, I think this one is far superior. On a related note, the film festival is next week and I can hardly wait. I am longing for the shorts (teehee) as Mon and I judged the features this year and I feel I’ve missed out. No hints from me about winners and non-winners but I can say that I did get to see Lightning Bug which was shot right here in the great state of Alabama!
Okay, enough mish-mash. I’m out.
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Drowning in a Sea of Testosterone
Today I am oddly nostalgic for the good old days when I had my old job. Not that I miss the job at all but I SO miss my girlfriends.
Most of my time is spent at work these days and I work in place whose patrons are 99.9% male. I can go days without actually talking to another female and it makes me crazy (-er). I talk to my girls on the IM, but it’s just not the same.
Intelligent. Female. Conversation. Severely lacking in my life right now.
AND, I am SO jealous of everybody I know who is in love. I know it’s incredibly un-feminist, post-modern woman of me, but I want it so bad! How nice it would be to have someone who genuinely cares about me?! I’ve truly forgotten what that’s like.
😦 Crap, now I need to change my mood to “sad.”
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Answers, Please
Every time I think I’m getting myself on track something happens that COMPLETELY throws me for a loop and then, there I am again, flailing around like a fish out of water. Where exactly does the expression “older and wiser” come from? How much older do I have to be before I actually get wiser? Because, right now, I am feeling like a complete and total idiot.
Things I Don’t Understand That I Hope I Will Understand Before I’m Too Old To Care If I Understand Them:
(1) Why doesn’t hard work pay off? I’ve always heard this was true. My mom always said it. My dad always said it. “Keep that nose to the grindstone and someday you’ll be glad you did.” Bah. Humbug. Screw that. My nose has been to the freakin’ grindstone since I started first grade and where has it gotten me? Sure, I don’t work “for the man” anymore but so what? I still don’t make any money. I’m not doing what I want to be doing. My college education means crap (except for once a month when I struggle to make that stupid loan payment and then it means an upset stomach and a headache). My work experience, while quite respectable for someone my age,means diddly squat in the job I have now.
(2) Why are there so many “takers” and so few “givers”? Why are there so many people who are perfect willing to let another person go out of their way for them (no kidding, these folks will ask for anything) but have a problem with getting a soda for someone when they’re already on their way to the stupid machine anyway?
Shouldn’t our exchanges with people be more of a two way street? And people like me, who are good-hearted and easy-going by nature are such easy freakin’ targets! It doesn’t bother me one bit to do a favor for a friend. Hmph… not even just for friends. Acquaintances, even. It’s just the way I was raised and I hate that I feel like a moron sometimes for being that way. All you takers our there (you SO know who you are) should get off your collective arses and give a little back now and again.
(3) Why does the dog prefer to eat the cat food?
(4) Men. Or even better, relationships with men. Or better yet, interaction with men. Okay so there was no question there and my nifty little format of “(#) Why” just went TOTALLY out the window, but I don’t even know what question to ask. They do the complete opposite of what we need them to do exactly 99% of the time. We talk… try to tell them what we want (so that the percentage might eek down to 98%) and they pretend to listen. They nod and grunt or say something charming while trying to make the dialogue — scratch that– the monologue end as quickly as possible and then the next day the entire episode is completely erased from their memories. They want the wrong girls… they’re so wrapped up in their penises that they forget that someday, they’re gonna be old and shriveled up and wish they had somebody to make them mashed potatoes and gravy for dinner ’cause they’re false teeth hurt their gums and they don’t want anything they have to chew. They forget that one of these days, they’re gonna get fired (that’s provided they’re one of the men who actually work for a living) and feel worthless and emasculated and they’re gonna want somebody to remind them just how Almonso (read “Manly”) they really are. Or maybe it’s not that they forget these things… maybe it’s that they never even think about them in the first place. Yep, that’s gotta be it.
Okay, so that’s my short list. It is now officially 5am and it’s time to stop before this rant throws me into a total depression.
Oh yeah, and by the way… If anybody knows the answers to any of these questions, I’d appreciate being let in on the secret(s).
damaged calm 