All posts by k

Life or something like it, World of Warcraft

Is it break time yet?

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wowtcg_logoWow, these next few weeks are going to be rough. With four events in six weeks and all the traveling involved, I am exhausted just thinking about it.

This weekend I have a Yu0Gi-Oh Sneak Preview and a WoW Regional Qualifier in Birmingham, AL. I’m off next weekend then it’s off to Visions in Montgomery, AL for a WoW TCG Sneak Preview event on 11-17, followed by Thanksgiving, then back to Birmingham the next weekend for Yu-Gi-Oh regionals. And then, if I live that long, I will have an entire month off from working weekends and driving all over the state. Then I will be able to do my Christmas shopping and finish redecorating the upstairs of my apartment.

Speaking of the apartment, I got the new linens (need to post a pic) and they are so uncharacteristically girly. I fear the older I get the more feminine I become about a few things. And yes, I did say “fear”. Don’t get me wrong — they are not adorned with ruffles or lace. But the colors are very serene and the fabric has a silk-like texture and there may or may not be embroidered flowers about.

I took home paint chips from the store today. I’m going to tape them on the walls and see if I can FINALLY decide what colors to put where. Now if I could just get my dad in the mood to finish out those cabinets for me… One thing at a time I suppose.

Life or something like it, Technology

Perpetual student

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I really love to learn new things. Not much compares to the feeling I get when I’m absorbed in something I am really interested in and I’m flooding myself with information. I’ve thought about going back to school many times but I can never settle on what I want to study. It’s hard for me to narrow it down to just one thing. Continuing education classes are probably better suited to my needs… a class here and there on random subjects.

Not to imply that I don’t value my education or that I’m completely convinced I’m in the wrong field. I just get bored so quickly that I bounce around to different things and wonder if maybe I did choose the wrong path. Lately, I think I should have majored in something computer-related. I’m old enough that most of my college work was done on an electronic word processor and not a computer (that thing was pretty nifty actually… had a small LCD screen and I could save to floppies).

I took a basic (not BASIC) programming class in high school but outside of that, everything I know I taught myself. And honestly, I know a pretty good bit for someone who has never had any formal training. But that’s just how I operate. I wanted to build myself a simple website the summer after I graduated from college so I bought “HTML for Dummies” and learned how. HTML became dated so I learned what I know about PHP and MySQL from installing and customizing web applications like phpBB, Joomla and OsCommerce. And then there’s hardware… I’m still mostly a novice when it comes to actually building machines, but it’s something I want to know more about.

The internet was created for people like me. It still amazes me that there’s rarely a question that can’t be answered by doing a Google search. I wrote a paper my last year of college (my actual major was in Communication Arts) about an all-in-one box that would combine computer, tv and phone and every new development gets us closer to that reality.

Maybe I didn’t choose the wrong field. Maybe I’m just an intense hobbyist. Or maybe I’m just a geek.

Life or something like it

Let it go already

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I really need to learn to let the little things go. I don’t know why I let myself get so frustrated and stressed at things I can’t control and that really shouldn’t matter anyway. Life is full of ups and downs. I know this. Only a select few (please tell me how they get selected) get to stroll through life without drama or distress.

A large part of how I react to things is genetic. Historically, my family is made up of a bunch of worriers. We stress. We hold things in. We have ulcers and migraines. I really want to learn how to stop doing this. I have enough big problems to worry about without bogging myself down with the small stuff.

Relationships

Lost and found

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Ambling around in a world of identical people,
my search had always been for someone who was not.
The roar of heartbeats and breath and meaningless conversation
drowned out anything of significance — until I found you.
Your words were rations for my starving heart.
The mob lost its power as we danced among them, finally within reach.
I held onto you a like a girl-child in a field of daisies… spinning around,
faster and faster until I could feel it happening but I couldn’t stop it.
I can’t recall if you let me go or I you but I do remember with perfect clarity
exactly how it felt when your fingertips slipped from mine.
I called out for you but the noise only grew stronger until you couldn’t hear.
And the crowd seeped in between us and once again I was lost.

Relationships

Humbug

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I keep writing paragraph after paragraph and then deleting it.

The fact is that I have about a hundred thoughts in my head this week and they’re all connected — but I can’t manage to put them together in a way that would make sense to anyone other than me.

This week has been hard and lonely. I really hate the holidays which just makes me sad. I used to be such a force at Christmas time but these past few years all I really want is for it to be over.

I hate being single at the family gatherings where I am surrounded by all my cousins and their spouses and their kids. I’m glad they’re happy but it’s just so hard to sit there and pretend like I am when all I can really think about is how much it’s going to suck to go home and fall asleep alone on Christmas Eve.

And I think I’m only getting worse as times goes on. I didn’t even put up my tiny little tree this year. I haven’t bought a single gift. I helped my mom string lights on the fence and that’s been the extent of my festivities.

It shouldn’t be like this. And yet, this is exactly how it is.

Again.

Relationships

Sometimes

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Sometimes I think I have things figured out.
Other times, it’s painfully obvious that I don’t.
Sometimes I think I am growing and evolving and
discovering parts of myself I never knew were there.
Other times, I can’t believe how much I’ve stayed the same.
Sometimes I close my eyes and wish that I could disappear somewhere,
reinvent myself, become someone else overnight.
Other times, I curse myself for those thoughts because I am happy with who I’ve become.

There’s something I keep looking for and not finding…
a void in my life that I thought the right person could fill.
But what if I am searching for a fantasy that will never become reality?
And what if that’s true because of my own limitations, because of my scars,
because of my walls?

How then, do I attain that completeness I want so terribly?
And do I even keep searching for it when all my hope could be false hope?
I want to understand these things… to understand myself.
I still want what I want but at what cost do I seek it out?

I remember why the walls are up.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to tear them down.

Life or something like it

Today’s horoscope

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The pace of your life is a lot faster than you may realize right now. Your unconscious speed may not be bothering you, but it might be bothering the people in your life. This go-go attitude of yours might be sending out the wrong message — a vibe that says you’re not willing to wait for anyone else to catch up, that says you’ve got too many important things to do. But that’s not really true, is it? Make sure you’re in step with everyone else right now. You could use the company!

Actually, I realize exactly how fast the pace of my life is and I am doing so many things right now to try and slow it down. It may not be spring but things are blooming all around me and I want nothing more to have time to stop and take them in.

Relationships

Once upon a time…

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Once upon a time there was a peasant girl who dreamed of a different life. Her mind and body did what was expected while her soul burned for something more. For most of her life she had not known what that something was; she only knew she was unfulfilled.

One day a seer visited the village and although her fear was almost petrifying, she somehow willed her feet to move and stood before him. His gift was strong and it took only a touch of her hand for him to know her. With eyes closed, her thoughts, fears and aspirations filled his mind. He felt her hand pull away and opened his eyes to catch a glimpse of her dress fanning behind her as she bolted away.

As he went about conducting his business over the next few days, thoughts of that frightened girl continued to sneak into the furthest reaches of his mind. He knew without question what her heart desired. Life had taken its toll on her and he knew that as well. But he was also confident that she knew these things.

So why then, had she come to him? Hope. Only the slightest glimmer would be enough to keep her going, to allow herself to reach out, to open up…

As the end of the week rushed upon him, he boxed up the tools of his trade, scanning the faces in the crowd as he packed them onto his carriage. A rustle behind him caught his ear and he turned to see her turning the corner, walking away again. Two steps toward her bring them almost face-to-face as she has changed direction yet again.

She is broken and weak. She is terrified. Her heart cries out silently, and only he has the gift to hear it.

He takes her hand and starts to speak. This time she lets him. “You can have it,” he whispers.

“Thank you,” she cries. “You have given me all that I need to make it mine.”

Life or something like it

Walking Uphill

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At what point do I stop feeling like I’m walking uphill every minute of every day? My body is exhausted and my soul is beaten down. You’d think as much as I work that I’d be getting rich. But I’m not — I’m just getting old.

I try to make adjustments, to do new things, talk to new people, change my routine… but nothing ever really changes. I’m in such a funk that all I really want to do is stay home where there is no one else and just be myself. Everything I do and say has to be filtered or edited to make it “appropriate” for the person I’m talking to or the situation I’m in and I’m sick of it. I just want to be myself. If I feel like shit today, I just want to be able to feel like shit and not have to justify it to fourteen different people.

I want to wake up in the morning with something to look forward to. I want something to be excited about. I wrap myself up in this blanket of work and busy-ness and it’s nothing more than insulation. And it’s not working nearly as well as it used to.

1:00pm. Time to put on my blanket…

Life or something like it, Technology

Longing for Anonymity

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Every time I start a blog/online journal for the purpose of having some place to actually express my TRUE feelings, eventually the anonymity goes away and I find myself searching yet again…

Too many “real life” people know of this blog now and I can’t post with the freedom I once had.

Life or something like it, Relationships

Too many “takers”

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Most of the time lately I feel like one (or both) of these two things. What is up with so many people in the world being “takers”? Is there no one left who actually enjoys doing things for those they care about? Or, are there others out there, I am just unfortunate in that I don’t know any of them?

For example, my co-worker (there are only two of us who run the store here) has been out of town for two weeks. Which means, I’ve had the store on my own for that amount of time. This means I have to think of every possible situation that could arise and prepare for it before I open the store each day. If I run out of ones in the register, I’m screwed… folks are getting quarters back for change. If I miss the mailman with our outgoing packages, I have to lock up the store for 10 minutes while I run them to the post office. If I don’t buy food, I have to be hungry. So one day last week, the mailman ran early and I had a ton of packages to ship out. And these eBay folks take their auctions seriously so there’s not putting it off til the next day. A very close friend of mine is here at the store as I package everything up and complain about having to lock up to take them to the post office. He leaves for work (where he only works 3 hours a day, btw) and proceeds to call me around 15 minutes later asking if I’ve gone yet because if I haven’t he wants me to go to the store to pick him up a pack of smokes! Nevermind that he could have offered to drop those packages off for me. Nevermind that I was having to close my store in the middle of the day to do it. Nevermind that he only has to work 3 hours a day.

Or, for another example, the guy I’m seeing (who shall, from this point forward, be known as KB) had a birthday last weekend. He’d asked for a special gift (there was an “outfit” involved) and I was happy to oblige. I went to LOTS of trouble to find the perfect outfit with all the right accessories and details. We had planned to get together to celebrate on Saturday night (the day before his birthday) for several reasons, none of which are all that interesting so I’ll skip that part. Anyway, at the last minute on Saturday night, he gets invited to a bachelor party, says he feels “obligated” to go, so he blows me off to go get really drunk and get multiple lapdances from the stripper. Which I get to hear about IN DETAIL when he gets back as the guys who went share their stories with those who didn’t go. First of all, I don’t enjoy being around people who are really drunk unless I am too. It’s just irritating. Second, our relationship is strained right now because of circumstances that make me less than confident so I really don’t want to be hearing about any stripper. Third, I went to A LOT of trouble for this birthday thing and to just be blown off as if it was nothing really hurt me. I know it was his birthday but I could go my whole life without knowing he’d drop me like that. Anyway, I sucked it up and got together with him after the party and it was great fun (of course it was fun; how can it not be fun when there are outfits?) but I can’t deny that the whole thing left me feeling used.

And I guess that’s the point of this post. I’m not a user. I don’t take people for granted. I appreciate even the smallest gestures made by others. So what the hell is wrong with everyone else? I’m pretty sure it’s my turn now.

Life or something like it

One Step Forward

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Since I’m still old, and I don’t have Cindy-Lou’s fantasy time machine and I’d really like to be treated like a girl at least one more time before I die, I followed my doctor’s advice and signed up tonight for the The South Beach Diet online. I’ve let frustrations hold me back from following through on any of my new year’s resolutions and it’s time for that to end. So starting Tuesday, I’m on the new plan (Monday = shopping day). Hopefully I will be disciplined and have some success with this plan and it will help me be more positive in other areas of my life.

Life or something like it

Lost

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I don’t really know what to write here. I dumped the blog a long time ago because I felt like I’d built this network of blogging friends and my entries were doing nothing but bringing you all down. So I just stopped writing all together because I felt guilty about that. But the truth is, I miss this. I don’t have many friends and the few I do have really have no desire to listen to my endless ramblings and analysis of my non-life.

That being said, I’m going to start writing here again because I need it. I need the self-therapy, the release, the occasional epiphany. I need to express myself with the bravery of being out of range and out of sight of those who read it.

Plus, I miss you guys. So now I’m going to check all of your blogs and see what you’ve been up to.

More to come.

Life or something like it, Relationships

It’s Like, You Know…

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I know it’s been way too long since I’ve posted anything here. I’ve been doing some re-grouping as most people do this time of year. And here’s one thing I’ve learned: posting here, perhaps, makes me a bit too introspective. I firmly believe that self-awareness is a good thing, but I need to better learn how to achieve that self-awareness without absolutely dwelling on certain aspects of my life that, more often than not, make me unhappy. So hopefully I will be able to post here more often, and actually make myself feel better rather than worse.

To catch you up… a few things that have happened during my AWOL period:

  • The dog has taken to running out the back gate every time I leave the house and it’s driving me crazy.
  • My grandfather passed away. He was 84 but basically in good health so it was a bit of a shock. He went in for some heart surgery, which he survived, but we lost him when they tried to take him off the machines in recovery. We buried him last week, complete with all the appropriate bells and whistles for an honored WWII veteran.
  • The wipers on my car have mysteriously stopped working. We had our first snow/ice of the season a couple of weeks ago and I thought they were just frozen, but it’s 70 degrees this week and they still won’t work. Of course, this is happening now, as my car is recently paid off.
  • There has been discussion of selling The Store. I really don’t want this to happen for several reasons, not the least of which is that I’ve had enough change for a while and I’d like things to just sort of “stay” for a while.

And because I was absent and missed the day we all did resolutions…
In 2005, I resolve:

  • to quit smoking. By June30th.
  • to lose 50 pounds. Which leads me to the next resolution
  • to run 3 times a week. Got new running shoes for Christmas, so I’m ready.
  • to increase my monthly billing for Kim’s Lilypad x2.
  • to learn how to do more with my beautiful guitar than just look good holding it.
Life or something like it

Dead on… for once.

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Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence


You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well. An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly. You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view.
A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary.You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

Entertainment, Life or something like it

Saving Grace

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With the exception of cleaning up some formatting, the second screenplay is done. Just finished as of about two minutes ago. This one is a short, probably around 40 minutes, and it took us about three times as long to write it as it did to write the feature. Go figure. Anyway, when we get the formatting all pretty, I’ll post it up for you guys to read. Maybe after Thanksgiving. It’s a romantic comedy called Saving Grace.

Okay, and now it’s nap time before I have to really start my day. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz