My world feels off today. Actually,  my world feels off lately. I think it’s just too much change all clumped up together. J got locked up. I started my new job. Hershey’s gone. My routine is non-existent. I am a big ole Capricorn and I live for the constants in life.

One of the things that I love most about J is that he pushes me to step outside of my routine and enjoy myself once in a while. He was one of the first people to ever give me permission to let go. It’s hard when you grow up the honor student… the eldest child… the predictable one… hard to remember that it’s not just okay to live for today sometimes– it’s actually kind of good for me.

J is the one who tells me to go get my hair done when my roots start to show. He tells me not because he cares about how my hair looks but because he cares about me. And he knows, better than anyone, how rarely I put myself first.

I touched on this idea yesterday… about doing what is right for me as opposed to what might be the most kind thing to do for him. But really, shouldn’t those two things be the same?

I understand today that one of the reasons I have such a hard time with his using and the consequences that inevitably follow is a completely selfish one. It’s because his actions take that away from me. They take him away from me.

It’s 11:51pm here in the deep south and I didn’t think this post was going to happen. As I’ve mentioned, I’m participating in National Blog Posting Month at BlogHer and the goal is to write every day in June. The unexpected side effect is that I am learning some things about myself. I am much more relaxed and clear-headed at 11:51 than I was when I started this post and much less angry at my man.

Sweet dreams, blogging friends.