If you’ve been following my recent posts, chances are you expect this post to be about J, or addicts in general, and all the promises they make but seldom (if ever) keep. Wrong. I’m trying to make a change in me today. I’ve spent a lot of time lately reading the writings of others who have been down this road before me, particularly Ron over at An Addict In Our Son’s Bedroom. I am amazed at the strength this family has had to muster over the last few years. A Google search took me to their site and after reading one post, I followed the archives back all the way to the beginning. I’ve been reading for a few days now and am still over a year from the present… and I’ve fought the urge to skip ahead. There’s something very comforting about reading their story; there’s also something very sad about it. Continue reading Are You A (Wo)man of Your Word? →
My world feels off today. Actually, my world feels off lately. I think it’s just too much change all clumped up together. J got locked up. I started my new job. Hershey’s gone. My routine is non-existent. I am a big ole Capricorn and I live for the constants in life.
One of the things that I love most about J is that he pushes me to step outside of my routine and enjoy myself once in a while. He was one of the first people to ever give me permission to let go. It’s hard when you grow up the honor student… the eldest child… the predictable one… hard to remember that it’s not just okay to live for today sometimes– it’s actually kind of good for me. Continue reading Nothing As It Should Be →
So I’m struggling with what to write tonight which is funny because I’ve been so motivated to write lately that I have a list of at least half a dozen entries rolling around in my head… all of them half-written up there and just waiting to be finished up on the keyboard. I’ve been sitting here for over an hour, opening and closing post after post, and just not finding the words. I’m really excited about NaBloPoMo and I love that it’s giving me an excuse to take the time to write every day but I’m taking a minute to remind myself the reason I love to write.
A burden shared is lightened, right? That has always been the reason I write. Tonight my mind and my heart are heavy from the loss of a beloved pet. J is not here and I really need him to be. I feel this overwhelming need to write a positive post about him (it’s one of the drafts I couldn’t finish) because the entries so far on our back story don’t put him in the most favorable light. I feel guilty about that. I want people to understand WHY I love him… why I stay. For now I will just say that he has many, many good qualities and the good far outweighs the bad. But still it’s eating at me… the thinking that someone is reading these posts and judging me. Or even worse, judging him. Continue reading Dear J: It’s Your Turn →
I lost my girl about 7 o’clock last night… buried her on a sunny hillside behind J’s brother’s house. I’m so relieved to know that she is at peace but this damn house sure seems empty now.
Real post coming later tonight…
My cat is dying. My sweet, affectionate, lovable, precious, seventeen-year-old, atypical cat… Her name is Hershey and she has been with me basically my entire adult life… all the way back to when life was as expected.
I’m thirty-nine years old and have no children of the human variety. Hershey is my baby. She was here when I was young and thin and carefree… working my first real job after graduating from college. She was here through a divorce, multiple moves, the entire lifespan of my beloved Jack Russell, Jake and what was, in hindsight, a scary bout with depression. Continue reading My Cat Is Dying →
This is a continuation of yesterday’s post titled Park the Car. I’m participating in BlogHer’s NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) and this month’s theme is roots. This series of posts chronicles my relationship with the love of my life, referred to here as J.
J met my parents and my brother that night and he was a hit. Sitting there on the sofa beside my dad he asked, “So… when are you shacking up?” J and I had barely discussed it but I guess the chemistry between us was obvious. And I had not introduced them to anyone I’d dated since I was 19 years old. The only answer dear old Dad got was a coy smile but he knew.
We didn’t drop the bombshell about J’s past on them that night. He made clear that he wanted to tell them himself… not have them find out in any other way. But I wanted to wait. I wanted them to love him first, like I did, so they would understand. Continue reading His (Real) Deepest, Darkest Secret →
… learning to dance in the rain
damaged calm 