The dreams started about a week ago which is odd because he’d been gone over a month at that point… if I were to psychoanalyze them it would be easy to see that they have all been about abandonment and/or fear of things I cannot control. Big surprise there. To say I have issues with things beyond my control would be an understatement at best. Even so, I’m surprised at the shear terror that has accompanied these nightmares. I wake up with tears streaming down my face. My heart is racing and, having had panic attacks before, acutely aware that I am on the verge of crossing that line. I always sit up, turn on the light and look around the room. But for what? Him, of course. Still half-asleep and equally dazed, still not fully back in the real world I detest so much when he is not in this house with me. I scan the room and it all sinks in. It only takes seconds, really but there are so many thoughts and emotions in those few seconds that it just feels longer. Then I look at his side of the bed… his pillow… the space where his shoulder should be and I take a deep breath, resigning my heart to the truth yet again. I roll over and snuggle up on this pillow, imagining my head on his shoulder– the only place I ever truly rest. I can almost feel his strong arm wrap around me and pull me closer to him… his fingers in my hair… I close my eyes and try to picture his face exactly as it looks from that angle. I can feel the burn as the tears try to start again. I will them back in. It won’t change anything… won’t make me feel better… won’t bring him back.

And now I feel a little guilty because if anyone is actually reading this, they are going to think you have left this life… that you have died. I did not intend to be quite so dramatic but you know how I am when the words start flowing. But I have to defend myself by saying that it’s all true. Every word. And it absolutely feels like I am grieving. I have lost. We both have.

So I close my eyes and pray the sleep comes quickly and that this time there are no nightmares… only the sweet, peaceful sleep of someone who knows what it means to truly love and be loved. And I pray that his dreams are plentiful and just as sweet.