Ambling around in a world of identical people,
my search had always been for someone who was not.
The roar of heartbeats and breath and meaningless conversation
drowned out anything of significance — until I found you.
Your words were rations for my starving heart.
The mob lost its power as we danced among them, finally within reach.
I held onto you a like a girl-child in a field of daisies… spinning around,
faster and faster until I could feel it happening but I couldn’t stop it.
I can’t recall if you let me go or I you but I do remember with perfect clarity
exactly how it felt when your fingertips slipped from mine.
I called out for you but the noise only grew stronger until you couldn’t hear.
And the crowd seeped in between us and once again I was lost.
Monthly Archives: December 2006
Humbug
I keep writing paragraph after paragraph and then deleting it.
The fact is that I have about a hundred thoughts in my head this week and they’re all connected — but I can’t manage to put them together in a way that would make sense to anyone other than me.
This week has been hard and lonely. I really hate the holidays which just makes me sad. I used to be such a force at Christmas time but these past few years all I really want is for it to be over.
I hate being single at the family gatherings where I am surrounded by all my cousins and their spouses and their kids. I’m glad they’re happy but it’s just so hard to sit there and pretend like I am when all I can really think about is how much it’s going to suck to go home and fall asleep alone on Christmas Eve.
And I think I’m only getting worse as times goes on. I didn’t even put up my tiny little tree this year. I haven’t bought a single gift. I helped my mom string lights on the fence and that’s been the extent of my festivities.
It shouldn’t be like this. And yet, this is exactly how it is.
Again.
Share this:
Tonight
I hate the limitations of my humanity.
Share this:
Sometimes
Sometimes I think I have things figured out.
Other times, it’s painfully obvious that I don’t.
Sometimes I think I am growing and evolving and
discovering parts of myself I never knew were there.
Other times, I can’t believe how much I’ve stayed the same.
Sometimes I close my eyes and wish that I could disappear somewhere,
reinvent myself, become someone else overnight.
Other times, I curse myself for those thoughts because I am happy with who I’ve become.
There’s something I keep looking for and not finding…
a void in my life that I thought the right person could fill.
But what if I am searching for a fantasy that will never become reality?
And what if that’s true because of my own limitations, because of my scars,
because of my walls?
How then, do I attain that completeness I want so terribly?
And do I even keep searching for it when all my hope could be false hope?
I want to understand these things… to understand myself.
I still want what I want but at what cost do I seek it out?
I remember why the walls are up.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to tear them down.
damaged calm 