Monthly Archives: September 2004

Life or something like it

She

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She always had a joke to tell and after she delivered the punchline, the walls would quiver from her hearty laugh. She worked long hard days hemming tee-shirts in a factory and never once complained. She was a mother not unlike my own. Selfless. Strong. Sympathetic.

Friday nights throughout my childhood were spent with her, making Coke floats and watching Dallas. Every fall she would take my brother and I shopping for “Back to School clothes” and every winter she would fill her tiny living room with Christmas gifts for us all.

She drove a simple gray car and lived in a modest, aging house. The floors creaked with every step she took as she prepared a feast for us every Sunday afternoon. When the February cold whisked through the thin walls, she would leave the oven on and open the door to supplement the heat from the wood-burning stove.

She smelled of almond bark and cherries.

I never heard her speak an unkind word about another living soul, even though life had given her just cause to do so. She was the woman I hope to be someday. She was everything a grandmother should be.

And today would have been her birthday.

Technology

Nothing Is What I Got

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Why is it that when working on websites for other people’s businesses it’s all fairly easy for me? The design usually comes quick, followed by some coding and the the inevitable tweaking. But I’ve been trying to design my own site for about a month yet and I just can’t commit to anything. I think I’m putting too much pressure on myself to make it uber and therefore, nothing I’ve done so far looks good enough. I’m about to revert to simple design that will showcase my portfolio and give my rates and contact info and let that be it.

Relationships

Watch Out for Wild Dogs

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Growing up I remember often thinking that life would be easier when I got older. And I guess some things are. On a lot of levels, I’m more confident. I don’t have to worry about pimples. My parents can’t tell me what to do. I have my own money that I can spend as I see fit. etc. etc. etc.

But what I didn’t count on is that some things get much harder. Like making friends, for example. How exactly does a woman of thirty meet new people? And how does she get to know them to the point of finding out if they have anything in common?

So many things have changed in the past couple of years. Two of my closest friends moved away. Far away. Two others got married. These were the people I hung out with. We were a perfect little circle. To make matters worse, I’m on the other side of a divorce now. And the few new people I meet are either married or in a relationship so that pretty much excludes me. It’s just weird to have the odd singleton in the mix.

But the fact of the matter is, I need to do something about this. Everything I do these days completely revolves around work. The only people I talk to outside of my family are clients and people who come into the store. Well, except for my best girlfriend, M. She’s amazing and the best friend I could hope for. But she lives in a grown up world where I feel like I don’t fit anymore. She has a real family of her own. Husband. Two kids. Cat.

So I realize that I need to fix this. And I want to fix it. I just don’t know how. I’ve considered taking a class at the local university but I’m afraid I’ll stick out as the old person in the class and not meet a soul. I really don’t like going out to clubs and besides, you can’t really meet anybody in a place like that.

Plus, I want to meet a man. A good man. Once upon a time I knew this guy who was attracted to smart girls. He would IM me from work and ask me what I was working on and the more studious it was, the better. And he was crazy for it. Now there were lots of things about him that made that particular guy not good for me. But I really want to believe that there’s a similar one out there who might not need a Barbie doll to be happy. And who I might possibly be able to hold an intelligent conversation with. And maybe, just maybe, he would have a job. But I’m not going to meet him sitting at my computer 18 hours a day.

So I must figure out how to make this happen or I will be destined, as Bridget would say, to die old and alone and eventually be eaten by wild dogs.

Entertainment

What A Predicament

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I really, really want to watch the premiere of J.J. Abrams new show, Lost, tonight. But it comes on opposite Smallville and the guys are addicted to Smallville. So, I either disappoint everybody else or miss what is probably a much better hour of television. And there’s only one recorder so I can’t fix it that way. I knew I should have replaced my old VCR when it gave out. 😦

Technology

Take Back The Web

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You guys may have noticed the new button I’ve added to my site (right). But I also wanted to take a minute to encourage you all not only to look at the button, but to click it. And then download the Firefox browser! If you need reasons, here they are:

  • Tabbed Browsing – If you haven’t browsed the web this way, you’re missing out. When I sign on in the afternoon to see what all my blogging buddies are up to, I go to my bookmarks folder, select “Open In Tabs” and Firefox loads them all up for me. It’s AWESOME!
  • Uber-fast Download – This baby literally took seconds to download and setup. It automatically imported my home page, favorites, and preferences from IE. There is no learning curve here.
  • Ad Block – Pop up ads are the bane of the internet and Firefox manages to completely eliminate them.
  • Speed – Before Firefox, I was of the mind that once I was on a broadband connection there was really no further way to speed up my web browsing. Boy, was I wrong. Windows SP2 had IE down to a snail’s pace (some BS “security” crap, I’m sure) but with Firefox, I’m zooming from one site to the next in record time.

There are at least a dozen other reasons, but you guys get the point. Follow the link. Read it all for yourself. And download it. Set it as your default browser and let IE go to that big Recycle Bin in the sky.

And before you ask — No, I’m not on their payroll. Firefox is a community-built application. There is no payroll. How cool is that?

Relationships

Gotta Get Me One of Those

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A friend of mine wrote to say she just received 5 dozen roses from this guy she’s been seeing. They met sixty days ago. He sent her daisies after their first date and later sent sunflowers and two dozen long stem roses. Then today… this.

And that’s not all… according to her he cooks “like a gourment chef”, he cleans, treats her “like a queen” and is a true romantic.

So I guess there’s hope for the rest of us to find a truly good guy. 🙂 Unless he was the last one?! :=\

Entertainment

(Different) Shades of Gray

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One of my most hidden secrets is the fact that, as a teenager, I was obsessed with The Monkees (and no, I’m not that old . They showed the re-runs on MTV). They may have actually been the first “boy band” since they were “built” by someone else. They most likely starred in the world’s first music videos. And I don’t care how dorky they may have been to most people, I still say they were cool. And from time to time, they had some most excellent music. Check out these lyrics:

Shades of Gray

When the world and I were young,

Just yesterday.

Live was such a simple game,

A child could play.

It was easy then to tell right from wrong.

Easy then to tell weak from strong.

When a man should stand and fight,

Or just go along.

I remember when the answers seemed so clear

We had never lived with doubt or tasted fear.

It was easy then to tell truth from lies

Selling out from compromise

Who to love and who to hate,

The foolish from the wise.

It was easy then to know what was fair

When to keep and when to share.

How much to protect your heart

And how much to care.

But today there is no day or night

Today there is no dark or light.

Today there is no black or white,

Only shades of gray.

Life or something like it

Hauntings

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I’ve been playing the “what if” game a lot lately. I keep trying to figure out how my life got so off track. I’m second-guessing every decision I ever made — big ones, little ones, in-between ones. But mostly, it’s the big ones. For example…

What if I’d gone away to college rather than attending university right here at home?

Well, the downside would be the inevitable negative impact on my relationship with my parents and my brother. We’ve grown really close, as adults, these past few years and I know I wouldn’t have that. On the upside, I most likely would have had many more career opportunities upon graduation and would have thought a little “bigger”.

What if I’d never gotten married?

Wow. Now this one I could go on about forever. So I’ll try and just stick to the one aspect of this question that’s haunting me right now. If I had never gotten married, even if I’d gone to college locally, I so would have moved far, far away from here when I graduated. I would be in the big city somewhere with a completely different life. And the thought of that is very appealing to me right now. Very appealing.

What if I’d never gotten divorced?

Maybe that should read “What if I’d never had reason to get divorced?”. What if we’d met later in life? Or what if he’d meant his vows as much as I meant mine? Or what if I’d been the right girl? We’d be happy. In the traditional sense like my parents are happy. We’d work these ridiculously long hours like we work now, but it wouldn’t matter because at the end of the day, we’d go home together. We’d spend Sundays sleeping late and seeing a double feature at the movies. We’d take trips and talk about taking other trips. We’d make plans.

I haven’t written much lately because I’ve been in such a negative mood and I didn’t want to depress everybody else with my little pity party. It’s just that, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m a planner. And it’s so hard to sit back and look at my life now and realize that absolutely nothing is as I thought it would be. And even worse, very little is as I think it should be.

So I struggle now with decisions that should be simple ones because I’m afraid. I don’t trust my own judgment and I’m terrified that one more wrong turn will take me even further into this place I really don’t want to be in. But I know that I have to keep making the choices and taking the chances, because, one of these days, I’m going to get it right.

Life or something like it

Wind Talkers

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It feels SO fabulous outside right now. There’s this awesome warm breeze blowing because a storm’s on the way in and I keep sneaking out side for a minute here and there because it’s just so stinking NICE. It makes me wish I wasn’t at work and was sitting out on the porch with somebody drinkin’ beer, chillin’, and talking until we’d solved all the world’s problems. 🙂

Life or something like it

Wanted: A Schedule. ASAP.

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I am a Capricorn through and through. Which means I’m a little on the obsessive side. I need structure. And organization. And things to be in order. Including my time. I know it doesn’t make me seem like the most fun person in the world, but it helps me keep my sanity.

However, lately I have been totally off my schedule. I’ve been keeping weird hours and the insomia hasn’t helped either. So I just feel completely out of it. So I put this here, in writing, for all the world and my blogging buddies to see. I will figure out a more reasonable schedule for myself. I will work at least six hours sleep in there somewhere. I will make just a little time to do something fun. And I will put forth genuine effort to stick to it.

There. Sounds easy enough, right?

Entertainment, Life or something like it

My So-Called Likes

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In the grand tradition of bloggers everywhere, I offer up my first list of things I like and don’t like. I’m sure it’s incomplete and possibly, due to my current mood, heavy on the negative side. But here goes:

Things I Like:

  • Music, specifically hearing a great song for the first time and straining to commit the lyrics and the tune to memory before it reaches the end
  • My dog, Jake
  • My cats, Hershey, Sidda, and Fred the Explorer (wherever he may be)
  • Men in uniform
  • Writing with my best friend
  • Anything Joss Whedon touches, specifically Buffy, Angel, Firefly, and the upcoming Serenity feature film
  • Surprises
  • A good massage
  • Making other people happy
  • Mountain Dew, not Mountain Dew Code Red or Baja Mountain Dew or Mountain Dew Pitch Black or whatever other concoction they’ve come up with this week
  • Learning, specifically learning ANYTHING
  • Boys who play guitar
  • Girls who play guitar
  • Angelina Jolie
  • Well-written television
  • Inventive film making
  • Kevin Smith
  • Robert Rodriguez
  • People who say what they mean
  • People who mean what they say
  • Sarcasm
  • My wireless keyboard and mouse
  • The hard disk recorder (yes, it’s LIKE Tivo but it’s not Tivo; it’s better)
  • Being alone

Things I Don’t Like:

  • Selfish people
  • Lazy men
  • Taking out the trash at work
  • Reality TV
  • People who don’t appreciate the people who love them or even the fact that somebody loves them at all
  • Being taken advantage of because I like to make other people happy
  • Liars
  • Cheaters
  • People who talk and gesture while playing Pictionary (yes, I know it’s an ancient game but we still play occasionally around these parts)
  • Unfulfilled potential
  • Bad grammar
  • Misspelled words, specifically on signs in public places such as the grocery store
  • People who do not understand the correct usage of the “cent” sign and write things like “Bananas .99¢”
  • Stupidity
  • People who smell
  • Not being listened to
  • Being interrupted
  • People who talk during movies
  • People who bring babies to movies
  • Being alone
Life or something like it

Don’t you just love those days?

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You know the kind I mean… the days when you just know you look good. Of course “good” is a relative term. I’m not talking Angelina Jolie good, not movie star or supermodel good. But a day when the hair is better than average and the makeup went on just right and the color you’re wearing is just completely flattering to your complexion. And you’ve got great cleavage. It just works wonders for my mood.

Superficial, I know. But true.